Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Decemebers craft and celebrations!

I haven't posted pics for ages so I thought I would do a quick post to show off some of my Christmas crafts that I did from presents etc and a few pics of Cohen enjoying his Christmas day!

I did 2 of these tops in different and sizes very similar to one another for my and DH's god-daughters; they are sisters. The next pic is of some fabric covered note books we did for them also!

This next pic is of a Christmas decoration I did for a Secret Santa swap on NC. I had so much fun making it for my swapper that I was inspired to do more for my IL's as part of their Christmas gifts from us. My swapper got the bonus little mouse I made with a bell in it because she is rather fond of little mice.

And the pic to follow is what I received from my dear swapper, I just love it so much. Funnily enough though I actually have a pair of knitted socks in the same wool!

This pic is of a custom bag order I did through My Vintage Vow for a friend of ours. She had seen some other bags I had done and wanted me to whip something up for her 6 year old daughter. All materials and embellishments were up cycled. As an extra Christmas surprise I also popped some vintage handmade button hair ties and a t-shirt bangle as well!

And now a few pics of Co on Christmas Day, it's sometimes hard to remember to get the camera out and take more pics when you're just sitting there in the moment with them and you don't want to be stuck behind the camera YK? Anyways the first pic is Cohen opening up his Santa presents in his room. DH growing up only ever new the tradition of Santa presents to open on Christmas morning in your room all over the bed and then family presents under the tree. Therefor it is a tradition DH wishes to have with our children. Cohen's Santa presents where a wooden train with a petrol, log and block carriage.

Cohen's presents from us consisted of a wooden digger/tractor and a push along trike/bike thingy that has the handle at the back for an adult to hold onto.

Aside from that Cohen got loads more presents from family and friends and this final pic is of one of the gifts he got from Gran and Grandpa a horse which has this inflatable inside and Cohen just loves sitting on it and bouncing around like it's a bucking bronco. Overall it was an utter delight watching Cohen on Christmas Day although he still doesn't understand the day he seemed to understand the whole unwrapping gifts. He also seemed to understand the giving spirit by picking up gifts to give to other people and giving them a hug and kiss in the process. Awww sweet boy!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Has it been that long?

I just skimmed over my last post where I was commenting on having just reached viability! Wow time flies when you're baking a baby and when you're busy with a go getter like Cohen. Things are going well since last dropping in, there has been a little scare and an infection thrown into the mix but overall all is going well. I have something like about 8 weeks left, but we will see about all that. We will see if we have another go getter in the wings and decides that they must get the show on the road early. I won't be surprised if that is what happens, so I have finally started to get my finger out and I'm getting a little more organised. Aside from some of the emotional ups and downs and issues I have to manage surrounding a pregnancy, I feel overall I am doing at least better then what I was doing at this stage of the game in Cohen's pregnancy. Some of you reading know what we are having and some of you don't, in some part I am so eager to tell you all so I can tell you about some of the bits and pieces I have been getting together for bubs and post some pics!

Well the Christmas and New years break is going to fly past before I know it and then I will be on the serious final countdown for bubs. In other news Cohen is doing well his language skills have come on in such massive leaps and bounds in the last month that he amazes me. It really is just so amazing how quickly things change, just 20 months ago he was a newborn and his little foot was no bigger then my thumb.....a fact I was trying to describe to him the other night (not that he knew what the hell I was on about really). Daddy is going to be home for a week over Christmas/New Year and he will be getting Cohen's big boy bed painted and ready for him to move into as well as a new room. So many changes coming up for my little guy, and I find myself asking myself how am going to love another like him. I know the answer, your heart just expands and you just instantly do......but it is still so hard to comprehend when you look at your first born and look at their perfection.

I have also been keeping busy with Christmas crafts and stuff for the business, I will post pics of my Christmas crafts after Christmas Day as some people are waiting to open gifts. My nesting though is still in full flight, and having DH home over Christmas will be good because I will have an extra set of hands and loads more organisation will happen. I am sorry for my lack of posting recently but aside from the above mentioned I have truly just been keeping busy and have wanted my updates when I do share them about this pregnancy to have light to them. Hopefully after this weekend though I can drop back on in and post some pics and share with you the joys of our last Christmas as a family of three.

Merry Christmas to all, may this season and the year ahead be filled with love and light for you all! From our family to yours!

Friday, November 12, 2010

A bubby to do list!

We have hit a milestone with belly bub, we are now at 25 weeks and viable! It was at about this time in Cohen's pregnancy where the seriousness and likelihood that I was actually going to have a successful birth hit me. Hit me it did and hit me hard and fast and at a speed and intensity that I could barely comprehend for much of the remainder of his pregnancy due to fear, grief and trauma. As you all know I have got heaps more professional support around me with this pregnancy and I am working with my psychologist and psychiatrist on several things. One of the biggest things my psychologist is trying to have me work on are things that will help me build a better relationship with what is happening this time around. With preparation for Cohen I didn't overly care what his cot looked like, I didn't buy new clothes, I didn't pack my hospital bag until loads of my girlfriends started to get on me about it late in the game.......lots of things, you sort of get the picture don't ya?

So I thought that making up a list of things I would like to get or do for myself and or bubs, or even in preparation for Cohen's transition to having a sibling might help here goes:

* Buy new bassinet mattress
* Buy a second car seat
* Watch my Hug-a-Bub DVD, yes Cel I still haven't done it, your demos are holding me over at present.....but this is seriously on the do list!
* Buy a big soft structured baby bag that I am actually happy with and will use rather then some other crappy bag
* I must buy some BIG wet bags for nappies when out and about
* Some nice things I would like to get myself would be some more cloth breast pads, some more PP cloth pads, some nice new comfy PJ's
* I'd love a facial or something and it's been ages since I had an eyebrow wax and a freshen up
* A couple of special occasion nappies for belly bub, I would do the same for Co but he looks as though he may be showing signs of TT so I am not so sure about doing that for him besides if I don't have shorts on him 99% of the time when he is wearing a nappy he will take his nappy off so no one would see a cute embroidered number on him

Well this is just a start, but it's not like we really need much anyway. To be honest I could get by on nearly everything we have here already. But I am trying my hardest to have things be different this time and allow myself to be excited and hopeful about things. All things considered I think I am doing well. I do have a considerable stash of newborn MCN nappies growing but I think I need to get a stash of smalls together as it will be a while before bubs is sharing on Cohen's MCN stash. I am also eagerly anticipating the arrival of knitted baby cocoon from Blueberry Hen. Oh and a certain lovely mumma I know is creating some pieces for us over at IssySnookles you can also check out more IssySnookles stuff on Minicuteture.

Now that I read back over of this post before publishing it, overall I think I should be pretty happy with myself and how far I have come in rising above my emotional/mental challenges with my PTSD and associated issues. I hope I can keep progressing and keep on checking in with you to share our preparations for belly bubs with you.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Touched out to touching!

Well I know I only blogged days ago with breastfeeding woes, but maybe just maybe things are turning the corner. You see the woes that I spoke of the other day have been going on for several weeks and have been increasing in nature to the obvious point of frustration which saw me here venting. Anyway over the weekend after months of wondering when Cohen will ever get anymore teeth, he started running really high temps and finally I found the culprit to be some toothy pegs coming through. We did however have a very hellish night with him Sunday night which saw me running on 2 maybe 3 hours broken sleep. I couldn't get the poor darling to settle and he wanted boobie to comfort and to fiddle but all he was doing was hurting me and I mean seriously hurting me. So sadly I had to refuse him because I was at breaking point with it all, and finally he gave in and fell asleep in my arms laying on the lounge with me. I got back to bed at 4am and he was awake and ready and chirpy at 5.30am can you believe it! Me however I was an emotional, mental and physical wreck from lack of sleep and frustration.

Anyway since we have gone through this whole process in the last 48 hours all Cohen's idiosyncrasies with his breastfeeding have settled down. After weeks of our breastfeeding relationship being tense, just 48 odd hours ago we had nicest breastfeed in weeks. Finally we were able to look into each others eyes while he was feeding and both of us be enjoying that again. Although he is still fiddling and somewhat tweaking with my other boob, he appears to be settling down with that so overall I am more calm and happy about his feeding again. I am thankful that we have what appears to be a turn in events, because I was wondering if he was starting to wean! I didn't want our breastfeeding relationship to end on a tense note. But in the last 48 hours he has been wanting boob a lot again and things are calm and I am happy. YAY!

Friday, November 5, 2010

Touched out maybe!

Many of you know of my re lactation journey with Cohen and also how emotionally driven the journey has been for me. It has been a journey where I feel I have been able to right wrongs and heal some of the grief with Elle and Meg further as well. It's therefore why, what I am about to speak of pains me somewhat. Of late when Cohen has been breastfeeding I have been finding myself getting very irritated. I don't like feeling this way over something that is meant to be so pure and natural. Cohen has this overwhelming habit of needing to fiddle with my other breast and especially nipple when he is feeding. However recently he is upping the anti in those stakes and often is hurting me. I can't explain how I feel when I am hurt, my blood just boils before I feel I have a chance to control my emotions. I imagine it's somewhat like when I man gets hit in the nads (sorry to be crass) and they just see red and ark up. Having said that, it does not mean I am acting violently back at him. What it means is that my blood just keeps on boiling, I get stressed by his continued efforts until I finally tell him that's enough.

I know some of those reading this are long term breast feeders and I know others reading this aren't or have not breastfeed. I know some people might try and suggest words of encouragement to wean him off the breast saying I have done a great job until now. Then I know there will be others who will be opening up to me with all sorts of words of encouragement and advice on managing these emotions and issues with Cohen.

Ideally I don't wish to wean Cohen until he is ready to do so. I don't wish to make that decision for him again. As it was he was the one who initiated interest in the boob again after being on the bottle for 3 months from 6 - 9 months of age. Clearly instinct was trying tell both him and me something. I don't wish to put him through that process again before he is ready. I do believe that it is not only my healing that is taking place when he breastfeeds but he has his healing that is taking place too. That is therefore why I am torn with emotion about these feelings I am having towards his breastfeeding at the moment.

I realise my body is working hard to support a new and growing life inside of me, as well as support the needs of one who relies on me in this earthly world. Whether those needs for Cohen are for his health or his mental and emotional development, they are needs nonetheless. Then at the end of all that there is my body working hard to support the very life that supports all these lives......MINE. I don't know if I am touched out at the moment, from the constant demands of being physically touched and needed all the time. But I don't see weaning from the breast as an option as it will only give me another set of problems, in Cohen's adjustment of not receiving the boob his only source of comfort as he has never taken to any comfort toy, blanket, dummy's just ME with my boobies and possibly what nature intended it to be from the dawn of time (I don't know, just a thought).

There is no real purpose in this post other then to get my feelings out into a space that is mine. I just have to work on these emotions and just hope that it's just one of those things that breastfeeding pregnant mummas feel from time to time. I hope I haven't come off being a mean mumma with these emotions, I know what he is doing is natural and him just being him. My resolve will not wavier to feed him until he wants to wean......but I guess we are just on the crest of a big speed bump at the moment and hopefully will come down the other side smoothly again soon.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Family Day Care - Cohen's first day!

Well Cohen had his first ever day being cared for by someone other then a good friend or family member. He had his first day in Family Day Care, which he will be attending once a week from now on. When I dropped him off this morning he was ever so cute, helping me carry all his bits and pieces. Well in fact he dragged the nappy bucket all the way up the drive way, through the gate until he saw his day care mum and then when he saw the balls and sandpit were out he abandoned his duties so to speak helping mummy out. I am very happy that I have found a day care mum who is open and willing to work with me on the cloth nappying front. In fact she seems rather impressed with the idea of MCN that she has asked me to put together some info for her DIL, which I of course have been happy to oblige her with.

Anyways back to Cohen's first day at family day care, after getting all the paperwork and necessary bits and pieces taken care of it was time to say good bye. By this time Cohen had found that there was climbing equipment similar to what we have at home in the yard. Since he hadn't have any boobie all morning I thought before I left I best offer it to him, but no he was not interested just way to many things to do and look at. I asked for a kiss which he wouldn't oblige me with so I just grabbed him and planted a big sloppy one on him, I said goodbye and he didn't bat an eye or perhaps maybe he didn't even notice.

When I got home I did find it all too weird the lack of noise but I pottered around doing the general household odds and ends. I broke up my day with the odd half hour ti sit and have a bite to eat in front of the telly. But other then that I have been working on trying to sort out my creative space better. The task of getting the creative space more organised had another job thrown into it today, when there was a knock at the door from Australia Post. Thanks to a darling I know who sent me a rather heavy package, I took possession of a massive stow of buttons. It has literally taken me the better part of the remainder of the day when I have had time to sit down and sort them out into similar colour groups etc. Although not much other organisation got done today the buttons are a job I would of had to get around to doing some time sooner rather then later. Anyways I am rather excited about the haul of buttons I have got, I have some plans brewing in mind for projects at My Vintage Vow.

So come this afternoon when it came time to pick up Cohen, DH come home early so we both headed off to collect him. When we got there he was just quietly bouncing and rocking back and forth on this inflatable jumping thing. He was clearly happy to see us saying Mummy and Daddy and then proceeded to point out various things he can say words for ie. ball, car etc. By all accounts it appears as though he has had a very good first day taking part in lots of activities, slept well and ate well. In fact ate so well that he had nothing left, hence why the day care mum had asked I pack the eating machine even more food next week......oh my goodness where does it go with that kid.

Anyways my little munchkin has clearly had a full day, he snuggled into me earlier then normal on the lounge for some boobie and off to sleep 45 odd minutes earlier then his normal bed time tonight.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Happenings and going on's

What to do with oneself? I might be asking myself that question, come Wednesday but I think I should be right! It's official Cohen will be starting his first day in Family Day Care later this week. I have been trying to get all his bits and pieces organised and named and labelled over the last few days. After my initial reservations about putting Cohen into care, my emotions have settled down about it all and I am looking forward to it. I am especially looking forward to seeing how much further his language skills come along once he starts. Just in the last week or so he has come out with some more new words which really surprise me for an 18 month old......shovel (said shubble), cracker, Corky, plane and would you believe he blew us away with HELICOPTER yesterday sitting in his wadding pool outside while DH and I watched on and one flew over head. He is just so cute and is really trying to strike up conversations of mumbo jumbo with the odd noticeable word in there......I just love it, I just love being a mum to him!

I actually don't have any appointments this week (at least whilst Cohen will be in care) so whilst he is having his first day in care I will a free agent so to speak. Current plans are to make an uninterrupted phone call to a friend, craft and create and potter around and a coffee with a new friend might be on the agenda too. I find it hard to sit around and actually do nothing anymore, since having Cohen so I doubt I will be spending much time just lounging about on the lounge staring at the walls......I hope I get lots of things that warm my soul done.

So I should also report that I have just had a fabulous weekend just gone. On Friday I finally got to meet with in person a lovely mumma who has been a wonderful on line friend and support system to me for a while now. Of course "C" I'm talking about you! It was so nice to catch up with you Friday and Saturday and meet the kids. Also meeting "J" was a laugh crazy roller derby girl......just tell her no more talk around me of things that ick me and I will promise not to say words like extraction ha ha ha ha ha ha! So anyways people after catching up with "C" I am so super keen for some baby wearing action. I am all inspired after a demo of different carriers and slings thanks to "C" and "M" for putting up with mummy's requests. Honestly if some of these makers of slings and carriers made them in adult sizes I think I would have DH carrying me around everywhere, it just looks so comfy. So I am really going to try and stick with it and get into it early when bubs arrives and persevere. By the way "C" expect and email from me soon I have some questions!

The remainder of my weekend included some phone calls with some dear, dear people to my heart. Oh and I heard the words from a certain miss that their DH wants to send them down for some time with me......YAY, that would just be awesome "W". DH and I dropped in on friends, caught up with friends, I had some down time to spend more time with "C", I got time to craft and create over the weekend, we got to dine outdoors in marvelous weather, watch our nudey boy run around and enjoy being a kid and overall just have time to take a breath and relish what we have in our life and be thankful that despite everything else I sometimes talk about here - LIFE IS PRETTY DAMN GOOD!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Poor blog have I been neglecting you?

I have been finding it hard to find time to sit down and update my goings-on. It partly has to do with me concentrating my time on other things, but also to do with many things I would like to be blogging about but find it hard to find the appropriate way of sharing some information. So it's been a about a month since my last update and gee a lot does happen in a month! Cohen is blazing away and astounding me with his language skills he is picking up words every few days. If he isn't picking up a new word he is picking up some new idiosyncrasy that just have DH and I cracking up at.

I have been trying to spend my spare time working on My Vintage Vow for when I re-image the blogshop. I have seen the first and second draft of the new business logo and I am super excited about how it is going to look at the end. Some of the most recent things I have been working on are some kids hand puppets and some clutch handbags for the mummas. I have also been able to get out and about a little to source a few new vintage clothing finds as well. Oh and I have also recently put my toe in the water and dabbled with knitting. I have found some cool on-line tutes using t-shirt yarn which I have been inspired from the upcycle/recycle perspective. One of my dear NC mumma friends came over for girls Friday night to show me the ropes of knitting recently. Lets just say it was a laugh and half putting up with me, I'm sure! Just yesterday in fact I also got started on a multi-media kids name plaque for Cohen. It's something I have had in the pipeline for awhile but have lacked the time to get going with it, so going well hopefully it is something I can turn into a custom order offering on the blogshop.

In other matters of the heart, family, Cohen and bubs in tum there has been a fair bit going on there. DH and I are looking at meeting with a family day care mum this coming week, a few personal dramas have made it evident that I need find some other support with Cohen. I am extremely lucky to have several friends who are very willing to help out with Co but I also need to have a back up plan for when others are busy and can't help. I have been finding the emotional journey and process of deciding to do this hard. However my emotions have settled a little now and apart from the initial reason I was prompted to look into it, there are many other benefits for both Cohen and I. At this stage we are looking at one day a week or a fortnight, if we hit it off with this day care mum. Putting all other matters aside regarding this matter, the stimulation will be good for Cohen he is such an active and inquisitive little guy that the extra stimulation outside the home will be good for him. On an upside for me it will allow me time to juggle some of the many appointments I am going to be having with this pregnancy. When I don't have appointments I will also have a day to rest and re-charge and more time to work on sorting My Vintage Vow out.

I just mentioned this pregnancy and many appointments! All is well with bubs and my physical health, thank goodness. I have just recently started my ANC appointments with the hospital and they have just become fully aware of my PTSD diagnosis. So along with me already seeing a private psychologist, I am being linked with the hospitals psychiatrist and social worker etc. I am trying to pilot the controls of most of my care at the moment. So I have made it clear that I need for this group of people not be contradicting themselves or each other in my management or I am going to get aggravated and stress will be put on my triggers.

So as for the emotional and mental management matters regarding this pregnancy, there is other news on the delivery front. I have been sounding out the middies, residents and docs about c-sections and vbac policy after a c-section. So at the moment most opinion coming back is saying that because I don't have 2 years between delivery of Cohen and conception of this bub they are wanting a c-section again. However there seems there may be a way of navigating a vbac if I decide (or bubs decides), if cards are played right with the right people. To be brutally honest I still have no idea which way I am going to go with this delivery. I am doing as much work as I can and with the right professionals to try and have me in an emotional and mental place of being able to logically consider a vbac. At this point I just don't want to be steam rolled by middies, residents or docs by what "they" want me to do. I realise that my PTSD, my flashbacks and triggers need to be under control and not effecting me on a physical level for a vbac to be properly considered by me. So that is therefore why I just don't want their opinions at this point hampering my efforts. All that aside after talking to the middies I have to be logical to, this isn't going to be my first or even second delivery it will be my third. As it was my waters broke spontaneously with the girls and I lost them with in moments. With Cohen's delivery even though the c-section was booked I still went into natural labour and my waters broke. So for me to not consider this time that I could still go into natural labour even if I have a c-section booked, would be silly. With it being a possible third spontaneous start to labour, things could happen too quickly for me to follow through with a c-section despite my PTSD and other professionals desires for my delivery. So if at all anything I need to try and be in some state of a prepared mind for any outcome, if you know what I mean.

Either way this time round the middies, docs and psychs really want to see me have a birth plan prepared this time. I didn't have one with Cohen I was soooo messed up and in such denial that it was rather pointless. So the overall goal for the birth plan regardless of method of delivery is for me to control the things that I can for an ideal outcome and my mental health, this is especially important if it's another c-section ie. bubs staying with me in recovery, try breastfeeding in recovery straight after being stitched up, first nappy being cloth and several other things.

So there you go that's kind of what has been going on lately, working on a lot of things. Some might say some of it is a heavy load of stuff to be dealing with (as well as some other personal dramas some of you may know about) but overall a large percentage of all this is for the best in me and my little family. At then end of the day I am thankful for where I am in life at the moment and I wouldn't have it anyway other way. I have gorgeous son, a wonderful husband, a bubs on the way, friends who are the salt of the earth, a chance to work on my business that harnesses my interests and passions, this blog to share my journeys with others good, bad or otherwise and so, so, so, so much more.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

What's been happening...

Loads of little things have been going on lately, Cohen as he always does is keeping me on my toes. He is such a energetic, independent and determined 17 month old always on the go to investigate things. His language skills are coming on he is picking up more and more words and throwing the odd 2 even 3 word sentence out (but it's a rare occasion). He is still going strong as my re lactated booby boy and has taken to role playing with his teddy and doll. He comes up to me with them nodding his head and pulling on my shirt and isn't happy until I pretend to breastfeed his teddy or doll. Funny thing happen tonight, he has this little Alvin the Chipmunk teddy that a friend gave him it's a but 3 inches at best in height. Well he comes at me with that this evening wanting me to breastfeed the damn thing. In between him taking the chipmunk away from my chest to have a suck himself he sits upright on the lounge beside me with his chipmunk. I watch him give it a couple of kisses a cuddle and then proceeds to pull up his top and pretend to breastfeed cute I thought.

Other then running after the little man I am busy baking number two, I am 18 weeks so will be off in the next week or so for my next scan. Will we be finding out what we are having you ask! Yes we will! Will I be sharing that news with you all, maybe I will and maybe I won't you will have to wait and see I guess. The current plan is to see if DH can keep his lips buttoned but if he can't and blows our cover I will likely share our news with you. Anyone want to hazard a guess at this stage what they think we are having this time?

In other news I have been busy with the Nappy Hunt on, but I have slowed up on searching for icons in the last week as other matters have taken over. I have had a few fluffy mail deliveries and bought some other bits and pieces we have needed but none of which I have really been for bubs in tum. On the discussion of nappies I have however been working on our newborn stash and have been picking up some nappies secondhand as well as having some lovely and dear clothy mumma friends give us some wonderful hand me downs. Once I have more of the stash sorted I will be sure to post some pics.

On the business front I have some news to report there as well. I am currently working on developing a better image for My Vintage Vow. So I am working with a beautiful NC mumma who is helping me out with a proper logo design that I most excited about. Also just today I registered my domain name for the business, but the website will be some time off yet but at least I have my domain name now and won't lose it. I've been working on some new handmade items and I have also been sourcing some AWESOME vintage and retro baby and kids clothing. I have plans of starting to sell a few of the items at markets/stalls/car boot type things in the meantime once I am better organised with the new business image (which shouldn't be too far off). I am rather excited about all these things that are happening and very excited that I have taken the leap to get things rolling in the right direction and not be held back by my initial efforts by doing my own imaging. I know some people will be wondering and thinking why I would be wanting to take this venture on further now with another baby on the way. But hey why not? My business is a combination of life long passions for me and I just want to try make a go of things win or lose.

So that's about it for recent updates that I can be bothered with, lots more has been happening but as always I could stick around and chat with your for ages. Anyways my lovelies until my next post I bid you a good day and I will drop in again soon even if it is just to tease you about what we are having even if I'm not going to tell you all.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Filling you in on my ponderings and happenings

So I dropped a little bombshell on some of you last week didn't I? Some of you already knew of my pregnancy but where waiting for me to make more of a public announcement about it all. So anyways I thought I would bring you up to speed on other little bits and pieces and some ponderings of my mind and gripes of late.

So the other day I indicated that I think that Cohen might be weaning. I am still of the thought process that he is, even if it is only somewhat. He still comes into bed every morning after DH has gotten up to him and changed his nappy and bought him in. Cohen will have a bit of a feed but he is shortening it down some days to a few very quick minutes. I guess it also hasn't helped that if he has fed too long some mornings I have had to gently say to him "OK baby that's enough, no more" because long feeds make me want to be sick being pregnant again. So he is now often wanting to have his cuddles, a little bit of a suck and then wants milk in a cup instead. Some mornings if he has risen at 4am or so we can get him back to sleep for another hour to hour and half in bed with us (which is a godsend when we can). But most mornings he is up at 5am and that's where our day starts. As for his breastfeeding during the day he will still often want it coming up to nap times, but some days he just wants the comfort and cuddles and has booby then. His way of telling he wants booby now is to climb up onto my lap, tug at my shirt and nod. I will say to him "do you want booby?" and he will nod in reply. He is still having some booby before bed every night. So for the main part he is still a booby boy to a fair extent but he isn't feeding as much as he was and he can go all day without it until bed time in the evening. As I said in my previous post, who knows where we are going with this journey but he is the leader on this so I will follow him.

Still on the breastfeeding front but on another tangent I have started to get unsolicited, unwelcomed, unappreciated comments from others about their thoughts about Cohen still feeding with me pregnant. Apparently according to some "you'll have to give that up by the time the next one is here?" It's all in the tone of how that's being said, it's not a question, it's rather tainted with the disapproval of my declarations that I will continue to breastfeed Cohen as long as he wants including once bubs is here. It's always fascinating that these comments come from those who have never been breast feeders, but yet think they are well informed to sprout their opinions. At the end of the day it doesn't bother me, I am happy with my choices regardless of what others think and I have a wonderful husband who is both supportive and encouraging of our methods. But I won't lie that it does grate on ones nerves that the uninformed and uneducated on these matters are so opinionated on this matter......when in my opinion it has jack shit to do with them, it's not their boobs, their life, their time, their children. Anyways too bad I'm doing what I'm doing and that's that and I am very happy with that can talk my ear off but you aren't changing my mind.

Enough of the breasty talk and onto matters of the mind, well at my mind and how I am coping with things regarding the pregnancy. As some of you may know I started seeing a psychologist a while back, well I have been seeing her near on every week since I started. She is helping me with managing my Post Traumatic Stress and other related and underlying issues. I have expressed to her that with this pregnancy I would like to possibly consider a natural birth (well it will be a VBAC), but a lot of work needs to be done to have my trauma and flashbacks under control. I don't really know at this point if I am going to be able to fulfil this desire of a natural birth, but I am not going to beat myself up over it if we end up going down the route of a plan c-section. I am also not going to be made to feel bad by others about that choice either. As far as I see it, I am the one that lives with me every day and I have been through more then enough in the last few years regarding all my children earthbound or not then beat myself up about a birthing choice. It's not like I haven't been through natural birth because I have, it just didn't end as one would dream. In fact it's not like I haven't been in natural labour in fact I have been........twice now. So at the end of the day I will make the decisions that are right for our situation as time progresses. Regardless of the birthing choice at the end of the day.........I will be proud of my choice because I know how much work and effort will have gone into that decision.

What and epic post thus far, I find myself still with plenty to share but one must look at retiring for the day at some point. I will check back in real soon and share further pondering and happenings with you all. Take care all and stay beautiful.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

I'm you want the goss??

Well it's been a while hasn't it? I have had a break from blogging in the last 2 months for a variety of reasons. I have been on a bender for the last 2 months of being in some sort or sick state. Firstly I had a throat/chest infection, then got a round of gastro and to top it off head cold after all that. All of which Cohen has got a touch of or worse in some way or another. So all of you with kiddlywinks will know that when you're already fighting a battle with your kids when they are sick it's only harder when you're sick at the same time. I guess now is the time I should also fess up and tell you that in the middle of having my throat/chest infection I also started experiencing violent illness, I just constantly felt sick all the time. Then that familiar feeling of it feeling even worse when Cohen was feeding started to make me think.

So out of the bathroom draw came the pregnancy tests and a few minutes later (well actually straight away) two fat lines showed up. Without going into to much graphic detail I had thought based on what I thought was a period I had after the miscarriage in May that at the time I could have only been 5 - 6 weeks, so I didn't rush madly to the docs. When I finally got blood tests done my levels were off the charts and not even in the vicinity for 6 or so weeks. It had my doc thinking I was further along then I thought or I was having twins again. Well to give the short version fast forward through a scare early on with more bleeding and an urgent scan through the hospital they confirmed all was well and that I was in fact 10 weeks and 3 days.

Fast forward again to today, and I have just had my NT ultrasound done and bubs is doing well and I am 13 weeks now. Goodness am I relieved or what, after all the ups and downs from the start of this year. So to give you a quick run down on other matters Cohen is still my re lactated booby boy, we hit 6 months a while ago now (1 year in total boobfed), very proud time for us both. He is still feeding at the moment with me being pregnant but I am sensing he is starting to wean a bit. I don't know where our booby journey is going to go from here, but I am still happy for him to feed through the whole pregnancy and beyond if he wishes. I have had to cut his feeds short because when he feeds for too long it makes me feel very ill. I don't want to push him to wean, I want him to make that choice himself. So for now I am happy to go with the flow and see where this journey takes us in our relationship.

I have so much more I could ramble on about at the moment but I guess I have dropped a pretty big bombshell of news on you all. So I will let you sit with that for now and I will be dropping back in more regularly again to fill you in.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

On a go slow....

Yes it would seem I am on a bit of a go slow at the moment regarding my blogging I have slackened up in the last few weeks, haven't I? Or at least I feel like I have! Anyways to be honest I have just been busy with Cohen and with myself, I have been sick, sick as a dog. By the way what the hell does it really mean when you say I feel as sick as a dog? Anyways I have been sick for weeks and have been totally, completely and utterly exhausted. I have had a throat that has gone from being a bit sore to feeling like something I can describe only as swallowing a dozen razor blades. On top of that I have just overall been feeling unwell. So all my online pursuits have been on a go slow and sadly I haven't been on top of listings and projects for My Vintage Vow. However I am endeavouring to get on top of that now that I am somewhat on the mend. Anyways there are plenty of little things I want to update you all on but I really don't have the time just now. I just wanted to pop in and say hi until I have my time and words together properly. I hope everyone is well, I'll be popping in again soon and hope to be back on track with my long as I am not resting to have myself on the mend. Happy Days and good health to all.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Catch Up, what's been happening....

Well it's been a little while since I have posted a good ole catch up about all that is happening. To be honest there so much that has been happening that I don't know where to start. The good the bad or the indifferent????? As some of you may know from a post a few weeks ago, I have been seeing a psychologist recently. I have been given a diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress......psych gave me a flow chart and I tick all the boxes so to speak. So we are slowly working on this in my sessions as it is impacting all aspects of my life and relationships with some very close people in my life. So onwards and upwards from there, fingers crossed. Ben and I are back to trying to conceive again, but we are really just cruising along with all that at the charting, no watching the clock, no ovulation kits.....just letting be what will be. So if the gods that be have something positive in store for us sometime soon, hopefully the support and help of my psychologist will help me mentally and emotionally through another pregnancy.

So on to brighter news there is a fair bit to share. Last night saw the launch of my first business venture My Vintage Vow. It is all rather exciting to be working, to turn something that has been a passion of mine for the longest time into a little venture. It is the earliest of days in this venture and I honestly don't know how things will go just in the form of a blogshop......but you gotta start somewhere right? At the end of the day I believe in what I want to do and my passion and it will be trial and error finding the best way to market my business that suits our desires to continue to expand our family. I have lots of other creative ideas and projects lined up to be working on and will be introducing them to My Vintage Vow soon I hope. In the long term, I probably will be looking at getting out and about at markets with our wares but we aren't rushing into that just I said early days, got to learn to crawl before we can walk.

Now in speaking about the business another good point is that I am getting a chance on a personal, emotional, mental and spiritual level to be creative and's good for the soul. I don't know how amongst everything else that is the craziness of life at present how I am finding time for other things I haven't had time for lately but I am.....go figure. I honestly haven't had a chance or felt I had the energy in the evenings to be reading, but most nights again now I am getting through a few pages before shut eye. I am currently reading albeit slowly a book called Baby Proofing Your Marriage, it has made me realise in many respects how lucky I am with Ben. In other respects I am learning things I just hadn't put any thought to from a man's perspective. Anyways once I get through this book I should be well into the swing of reading again and will be looking for a novel to conquer. Perhaps I could finish one of the several books I failed to finish during my pregnancy with Cohen.

On the home front with Cohen, things are great with my little man....he is such a darling. So much character is pouring out of that wee fella that it's hilarious most days. Both Ben and I find ourselves watching him saying to ourselves and each other just stay that cute and sweet. I could continue on and gush for ages on all the wonderful things Cohen is doing. So instead I will just say that especially in a chaotic time emotionally in my life he brings happiness, smiles, love and laughter to my life......I am so incredibly fortunate.

I'll leave it here for now, I will update again soon......but for now I better get my A into G and get a few things done.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Just read this

I am a member of an on line forum Nappycino one of the lovely mumma's posted a link to this today it is just the sweetest thing I have read in ages and has had me in tears every time I think of it or read it.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Boobs are friends...

Yes I know a weird title for this blog post. But it has dawned on me in the last week or so that I think Cohen's relationship with my boobs so to speak is changing. Of course they are still a source of comfort, food and goodness. However I think he may either be seeing my boobs as his friends or play things. To be honest it's rather funny really. He gets rather giggly and excited for booby times sometimes. But what is really funny is when he starts giving my boobs soft little head butts and giggling. He even does the same thing and pretends to give them little kisses (or at least what I call little kisses) whilst smiling and giggling before hoping on for a feed. He doesn't behave like this all the time, but it is rather funny and sweet to watch this part of our breastfeeding relationship change as he gets older and more of his character is showing. I think overall his behaviour is just showing me how comforting and special our breastfeeding relationship is to him. Cohen you are just so funny and sweet, I love being your Mummy!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

And on the 4th day she created...

Ben has taken Cohen out for a few hours again this morning giving this mumma some creating time rather then letting me loose in yet another op shop. With an old white t-shirt that I no longer liked the style of, look what I have now.

This one is obviously a plain cowl neck loopy (that's what I have decided to call it).....just loop around, double it up and pop it over your head and go!

Something a little different.....

Mix it up with some beads you already have laying around that need a new life.....

All these created with old t-shirt, scissors and sewing machine in a few minutes flat. Now I have some new looks for this winter.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

What's my favourite number today????

FIVE!!!!!!! Why? The answer is easy, I have had my re lactated booby boy back for 5 months today......WOOOHOOOO!!! Way to go mumma, way to go Cohen look at us go! One more month and we will be 12 months of breastfeeding altogether. As I have said all the way along I don't know how long we have this particular journey for, but we are going to ride this one until the end. I tell you what though after all the work, time, love, effort and emotion that has gone into this journey I think I will be sad to see it come to end whenever that may be. Some people may think I am crazy for saying this but I hope that time doesn't come anytime too soon. Co is such a booby loving boy that I don't see any signs of him slowing down anytime soon.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Happy Days

Happy days this week! Why you ask? Well on the weekend Ben buckled and let me in on a secret he was trying to keep until the working week started. He announced that he was having all of this week off. You have no idea how happy this news made me, I cried. You see we haven't had proper family time off together since Cohen was born. So it is especially nice to have Ben home and not have it be Christmas time or Easter and everyone else needing and wanting to see him or us. So he is all ours, I tell you and it's great. Today we had to run an errand which was dropping Ben's van off at the body shop, so Cohen and I had to follow him down in the car. After dropping off the van we headed down to Tweed Heads for a drive and some opping. I know a certain someone who follows my blog is going to have a chuckle "I told you, you needed to warn the op shops I was on my way!"

So yes this mumma went a little crazy again today sussing out some new haunts to check in on a regular basis. So today's haul come to about $20, check out this list and some of the pics:
* 6 pieces of old school Tupperware in super good condition
* 4 old school baby coat hangers and 2 everyday white padded white baby coat hangers
* Vintage/Retro square tablecloth
* A ever so sweet embroidered vintage baby bib
* 2 gorgeous embroidered pillowcases
* 2 1060's kids project/activity books in perfect condition
* A sweet little button up baby girls dress for a sweet little someone I know
* 1 old school wide bladed butter knife....Ben is very excited about and declared today's trip out was worth it just for that.....knife was 20cents he he he!
* 1 Funky Butts AIO Purple MCN......$1

Now that's just a few pics, not the greatest of pics but I have saved what my knitting mumma friends might get a little excited over. Check out these pics from a Patons Knitting Pattern book I bought some of the woolies in this book are just so, so, so sweet. Yes, yes I know I still need to learn to knit....but perhaps others might like to have a flick through the book in the meantime.

So there you go just a few pics to show off today's finds. I am very much looking forward to tomorrow as Ben is going to watch over Cohen for me so I have some much, much, much needed mummy time. I think I feel a little cheeky so I might just take a drive out to sus out some other new opping haunts and then home after for some relaxing crafty time and some reading I think. Ahhhh it's so nice having my man home.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Just need to say

You know there are several things that don't make things easy for me at the moment. I have been mulling over this post for days now and trying to talk myself out of this post and these feelings. Why? Probably more so because I don't want to be misunderstood or to upset others. But I have come to the realisation that if I continue to deny these feelings and emotions through my journey at the moment I'm not doing myself any favours. Also for me to be worrying about other peoples feelings over this really shouldn't be my concern as I am the one who is at the centre of this pain and not them. I guess it comes down to the fact that true friends will understand that none of my words are intended to start a bigger issue, because to be honest it's like hell I need it.

I am finding it hard dealing with my feelings about my two miscarriages this year and my obligation and commitment to be a friend to those dear in my life. I am in a difficult situation that with both of these pregnancies this year, that when I found out I was pregnant, on both occasions I have had two dear friends confirm they were pregnant at the exact same time too. In January I shared the news I was pregnant with a dear friend of mine who lives interstate when she called to tell me she was expecting we worked out our LMP and due dates were within days of each other. When she had issues early on in her pregnancy with bleeding I tried supporting here through that after having been through so much previously with the lose of Elle and Meg. As issues and concerns started to escalate with my pregnancy I really couldn't give her anymore support, the walls were starting to close in. Aside from the fact that no pregnancy after losing Elle and Meg comes without stress and emotional challenges for me. Anyways even after confirming my pregnancy wasn't viable and that I needed a D & C I was still felt like I was being leaned on for support regarding my friends pregnancy whilst I was in the middle of grieving was torture. Thankfully and luckily for my friend her pregnancy has carried on and she will be due to have a baby boy some time in August. I have had to say to this friend that there is only so much talk I can handle and deal with regarding being emotional involved with her pregnancy as it is too raw for me. She seems to understand by I'm really not sure how well she understands.

Secondly I have my most recent pregnancy that I have lost and when I confirmed that pregnancy we kept quiet and didn't tell a sole. When I got a message from another dear friend to tell me that she is now expecting I buckled and told only her and no one else. But as you all know that pregnancy has also gone pear shaped and my friends pregnancy is still going strong despite her having sever morning sickness that she has had for all her pregnancies.

Now don't get me wrong I know the feeling when you are pregnant it's an all consuming feeling and I think it's only natural to be self-absorbed in oneself. I think we are designed in part to be that way, as I way of protecting ourselves as expectant mothers. However I am finding it so very, very, very hard to be an active friend to these two dear friends of mine in my life. They're both pregnant and excited and want to talk about their pregnancies, their hopes, dreams and plans. My friends ask me how I am doing but it is near on impossible to talk honestly with them about how I am feeling because they are pregnant. Not only do I not want to say things to rock their emotional stability whilst pregnant. But I feel in some part they don't realise that me listening to talk about their pregnancies causes emotional challenges for me sometimes too. I know I have an awful habit of coming off as being this strong enduring person, but I feel like through all these pregnancy loses it's really come out of necessity. So few people understand the true horror I endured when losing Elle and Meg and how that affects many aspects of my life and subsequent pregnancies. Please don't get me wrong I'm not walking around like a sad case every day incapable of happiness and connection with others dear to me, far from it in fact. However on the inside I do endure pangs and emotional surges which are made harder when people require more from me on an emotional level regarding sharing the joys of their pregnancies and expanding families.

I feel like that these feelings taken wrongly by people will come off as though I am a bitch and not happy for those close to me expecting their babies or expanding their families. Which again is far, far from the truth I couldn't be happy for those people, I know just how special that gift and joy is for them as I do have Cohen. I couldn't hope for anymore for these people and hope that all their dreams are fulfilled with their expecting arrivals. It is however hard for me to be in the situation of wanting those joys my friends are experiencing so badly, and to have had them sooo many times now and to be knocked down time after time. It is also embarrassing (which is really not the right word to use but it will do for now)to keep losing babies, it feels like there is an attack on my womanhood that I can easily fall pregnant (without effort it would seem) just to lose that pregnancy and not hold on to really hurts because we want several more children.

I guess the point of this post is I just want to make others aware of how encompassing the feelings of loss can be and how it can effect so many aspects of ones life and how those feelings and miscarriages can in turn affect others that are close to the person who has suffered the loss. I just hope some people understand that I can't be all things to all people as in the capacity I have always been until I can find a better emotional centre through all this pain. It doesn't mean I don't want to talk or see these people (again that's far from the case), I just need people to understand that I may have to put up some emotional walls to cope in some conversations or situations.

I am sorry for those reading this post if it has been a struggle to read or make sense of, it's very hard for me to make proper sense in words of these feelings at the moment but I just needed to get it all out. Tomorrow I am off to my first appointment with the psychologist arranged through my doctor an hopefully I can be armed with better coping techniques or strategies for dealing with these situations and emotions when they occur.

Friday, June 4, 2010

I'm in awe

I'm completely and utterly in awe of my little man, he is growing and changing and learning so quickly that I am going to have a big mummy boast with this post. The last year has gone so quickly and I am already starting to worry the next year will be gone as quickly. Every day more and more of Cohen's character and personality is making it's mark and it is gorgeous and hilarious to watch. It amazes me how much he understands for being so young and how much he is already trying to say. Cohen has started to develop a strong interest in books and you can ask him to get one and he will bring it to you and sit down in your lap ready for you to read it. I can then ask him to put it back and whilst doing that I will tell him to get another one and he will bring another one over to me. He has the same comprehension with following direction about other things. For example we can tell him to close doors or drawers he has gotten into and go things out of. He will put items back after being directed to do so and then will close the door or drawer. I really don't know where along the line he has learnt to do this but it amazes me how switched on he is. On the talking front he is saying more then I ever thought he would be at 13 months. He chatters and yabbers all day long now and in between all that you can hear him saying dad, daddy, mum mum, sit which is aimed at the dogs with a pointed finger. But the cracker at the moment which has started this week is WOW and WHOA.......everything is WOW at the moment in fact Ben and I have just been saying it just to have Cohen repeat over and over again and we just giggle and laugh each time it is sooooo cute! Amongst many other things Cohen loves spending time with Lacey in the evening before bed sitting beside her patting her and talking telling her to sit over and over and over again. He loves climbing in out of his toy box and lining toys up on the lip of the lid up against the wall. In fact he just loves everything at the moment and loves getting into anything and everything he should and shouldn't. It's a fun and crazy time here but I wouldn't have it any other way.

The results are in...

I had my follow up appointment with my GP this week to discuss the results of my blood tests after the most recent miscarriage. As I expected everything has come back normal. In some respects it's a relief but in some respects it's not. Basically what we are faced with is just getting back on the horse and trying again and seeing how we go. We of course are happy to try again, but we are no fools to this game so we are trying to look at things optimistically but realistically. On another note to do with my visit to the GP she is arranging for me to have further counselling to better support me now and over the next 12 months whilst we are walking through all I have been through in the last 2 years and our plans to keep trying. She has put me on a health plan so that these session will be bulked billed so I don't need to worry about the expense or not having that assistance if I really need it. She is such a wonderfully, awesome GP.....I'm going to be holding on to her.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Happy Anniversary

Happy Anniversary to Me and DH. Yesterday DH and I celebrated 11 years of marriage and the day beforehand we celebrated 15 years of togetherness. We had such a wonderful day yesterday which was so nice for us after all that we have been going through again together. I wasn't expecting anything from Ben yesterday just due to cash flow at the moment. I had thought at best we were going to go to the movies and use a gift card if we could get a sitter; if the day went well. Well this is how my day went instead, Ben rolled over in the early hours of the morning and said Happy Anniversary to me and we cuddled and dozed until Cohen let us know it was time to get up. We got up and started our morning routine with Cohen, and after Cohen enjoyed a piece of toast while we had a cuppa and a chat I decided to give Cohen his cereal. Standing in the kitchen getting Cohen's bowl and cereal ready I looked into the cereal box and temporarily freaked out when I saw something that shouldn't be in there. I then realised it was a small box so I pulled it out, it was a small jewelery box. Straight away I knew Ben had been up to something and I started crying before I even opened the box to find what was inside. I guess the fact that he had found some way to do something through all that has been going lately and our finances I was touched. I opened the box and just broke down in happy tears: A PAIR OF PEARL EARRINGS.......YAY they have been on my wish list for the longest time, I am so lucky. I also got a beautiful card declaring 11 years down 89 to go!!!! I quizzed Ben about how he afforded to do this for me and he declared months ago without my knowing he sold off one of his golf clubs so he could get something for me.....awwwww!!! He says that he has had the earrings sitting in his work van for months, god he is a clever hubby.

The rest of our day was spent doing several things including time with friends and just having a wonderful day with Cohen. I even scored some down time to go through the massive six tonnes at the Mega Lifeline Sale at galore I tell you! We were ever so lucky that with Cohen having a happy and settled day that we did finally and happily bite the bullet and were able to go out for a wonderful dinner. Many thanks to Kristian for watching over Cohen I know it was all last minute and we were more on the verge of not bothering with going out. But we are so glad we did we had a wonderful evening having the most gorgeous authentic Thai dinner. We laughed, smiled and chatted the night away, it was so nice and relaxing and refreshing.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Playtime with Co

Just a couple of pics of Cohen's playtime yesterday first pic is self-explanatory. Cohen is loving textures in his hands for example when he has done eating his food squeezing food in his hands and watching in come out his fingers and spread it around is more fun. Hence why I am channeling that into an activity like this:

Now with this second pic.....what do you do with your junk mail, tear it up and throw it in the shell and kept him amused for ages:

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Do rainbows make you smile?

Rainbows always make me smile, especially woolie ones. I have been meaning to post pics for a few weeks but in light of everything that has been happening for us I just haven't got around to it. Anyways I thought now was as good a time as any to share some pics of Cohen because he makes me smile and so do rainbows. I mentioned in a post recently that a special packaged arrived on our doorstep from a gorgeous Nappycino mumma. For those of you who aren't cloth nappy users (or nappying days have passed) I will explain, they are woolen longies they are to go over cloth nappies, flats or MCN's that need a cover. The wool has been lanolised to aid in waterproofing and stop wetness wicking out onto other clothing, bed etc. My sweet darling boy now has some styling woolies to keep us dry and to keep him warm in these cooler months. Thanks again to the wonderfully talented Kez for your knitting genius, time and effort that went into making these. As you can see you have brightened things up here with rainbows and smiles.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Angel Day

A friend sent me an email today and in that email were these words:

An angel wrote in the book of life, my babies dates of birth.
Then whispered as she closed the book, too beautiful for Earth.

Today is 2 years to the day that my sweet Elle & Meg become angels. I have handled today better then I expected in light of everything else that is whirling around for us at the moment. I think because I have spent the better part of the last 5 or so days in such an emotional state I just don't have the energy for more tears and disruption now. It has been a hard enough time having everything that has been happening going on, the girls angel day today and having the energy in light of everything else to run after a 1 year old who is into everything without exception or break.

So in light of all that Cohen and I had probably the best day today we have been able to manage in the last week. Cohen has been in an especially giggly, smiley, cuddly mood today so I got even more special time with him today which has been really nice given the significance of today for me.

Before I sign off on this post I just want to say thanks to those who touched base with me today knowing the significance of today and how special it is to me but at the same time a very trying time. Thank you for acknowledging us and all our children on such a day. Love to you all!

Monday, May 24, 2010


The major purpose of this blog wouldn't be doing it's job if I wasn't sharing the good, the bad, the ugly along this journey to bliss. Sadly this post is not for sharing the good as I need to share some further agonising heartache with you. In recent weeks Ben and I found out we were expecting another baby and were excited but keep things but keeping it all very hush, hush. After having our second miscarriage in January and waiting the advised time we have been excited at the prospect of our family expanding. I finally got confirmation of my quantitative HCG levels last week as I haven't been tracking cycles so was therefore unsure to how far along I could be. My doc called me last Wednesday afternoon to advise results were back and all was good but I wasn't as far along as I had thought I might be, but said she wasn't worried by the results if I hadn't been tracking cycles. She suggested that I could do blood tests every 3 days to check on HCG levels to make sure they were going up. Knowing my history and knowing that Elle & Meg's second angel day coming up I took the doc up on the offer for the extra emotional assurance until I could get a dating scan done. I went up the road Wednesday afternoon and collected the blood work requests. However late Wednesday night my worst fears started to present themselves, I went to the toilet and noticed the ever so small and slightest bit of pink discharge. Come the early hours of Thursday morning that slight discharge turned into what looked like what I would expect at the start of my period. That then turned throughout the day to heavy bleeding with clots. I am sorry for those reading this if it's too much information, but I am not going to censor what happened or how I am feeling.

So as you can imagine I have had the better part of the last 4 odd days going between being a completely functioning person to being a complete and utter sobbing mess of a women. To put it bluntly our weekend was crap, just waiting out this whole heart wrenching game. Finally and with great sadness today I saw my doc and my repeat HCG levels have been returned and it is without doubt that we have lost another precious angel. It's another hard blow for us 4 babies in 2 years, it's not fair by any standard.

Furthermore I am sorry to those who are reading this who care for us and love us especially if you are learning of our most recent tragedy through this post. Please understand I am beyond announcing pregnancies just to announce sadness to follow. You may ask why the hell I would post about this then given that is my thought process......well my blog in many aspects is about helping others through loss and tragedy and I wouldn't be doing that job properly if I wasn't being honest about everything warts and all.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

More Creations

This afternoon we attended Jack's 2nd birthday party and had a lovely afternoon catching up with Rach and her family and friends. I can now post a pic of what I have been working on for Jack's birthday present. I'm glad I didn't post it any sooner as Rach would have seen it and I would have missed out on the enjoyment of seeing Rach's reaction when she saw what I had done for Jack. Thanks Rach you made my day, oh and thanks for trying tout custom're a sweet and funny little chickadee.

The pic doesn't do as much justice as looking at it in person, it looks a lot better in person and more vibrant. Anyways I designed it so that Jack has a place to showcase his day care artistic masterpieces etc.

In other creative and artistic news I have also been working on some ideas and pieces (with DH help) for my blog shop. We are rather excited about the results, so once again stay tuned hopefully soon I will be sharing more then just these words with you.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Good Day

I've had a really awesome day today. Cohen and I visited Noelle and got to spend some time just hanging out with her, Jimmy and Elizabeth. We got to eat yummy food and watch our cute little men play. Cohen in his 1 year old inquisitive form was into everything as he normally is. When I was putting Cohen into his car seat this morning to head off to Noelle's, Cohen finally and audibly said that one word I have been waiting to hear: MUMMA. I was so excited and said to him "did you just say mumma". He smiled broadly knowing very well I believe, what he had just done. He has continued throughout the later stages of today to say's such a cool thing. How could something like that not make your day? Finally when we arrived home this afternoon I could see that a parcel had been left at our front door by Australia Post. I knew exactly what it would be and was busting with excitement to get it inside and rip it open. Inside that wonderful little package was fluffy, woolly, rainbow goodness. A very lovely and sweet Nappycino mumma knitted Cohen some gorgeous longies. I was hoping that I was going to be able to manage a cute pic of him in his rainbowness before bed, but after the long day we have had the last thing he was lining up for this evening was happy snaps......hopefully in the morning and then I will post a pic, as they are just to cool not share with everyone.

So there you go all round a really nice day and it's now Friday so we have the weekend as a family to enjoy. I have a bit on the agenda for the weekend, the first thing is to head off to a local op shop for their mega monster sale starting at 7am tomorrow morning.....I'm very excited. At some point tomorrow I need to finish off gorgeous little Jack's 2nd birthday gift (I am looking forward to posting pics once it's done and has been received, otherwise his mumma is going to see ahead of time what I have done for him). There are a few other things on the agenda for the weekend but at this stage we will just see how things pan out. But if today is anything to go by the weekend is off to a great start!

Monday, May 10, 2010

Oh hurry up

If the events in our family life in the past 2 years has taught me anything it is not to wish time away. For the main part I live my life for the now and not put too much thought into what is beyond that. This thought process works just fine for our plans on extended our family and the like. But I must be honest it is not the thought process that works for my creative desires and plans. As I have mentioned in a post a month or so ago now, I have been working on some plans. I hinted at the idea that there may be another blog for you to be following soon. At the moment I am finding myself so desperately waiting for a few other things to fall into place in the next month or two and to be able to introduce you to a passion of mine turned into a blog shop. I am really excited about my plans and hope that those who have a love for the vintage, the sweet, and the different will follow my attempts to make more of something that has been a passion of mine for a long time.

I wish I could give you more information regarding names etc, but obviously that is one of the crucial elements I have to get settled in the next month or so. So for now please stayed tune as time creeps closer and as soon as I can I will be sharing exciting news with you.

Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother's Day and it was a nice day, not too much happened but was it pretty much another day on the weekend for us. When we heard Cohen waking up through the monitor DH rolled over and gave me a kiss and said Happy Mother's Day. After Cohen got up he and I laid in bed having our snuggles and morning feed then we got up for our normal morning routine. I had wondered why I hadn't been given a card, but when I had to take Cohen in his room for a nappy change later in the morning DH had my card sitting on the change table. DH had written in it in messy writing, trying to imply that Cohen had written it himself. It had a message in it saying "I don't have to words to say how much you do for me, love you." Awwwww!!!! I also received a mandarin tree to add to our collection of fruit and vege we are trying to get to take off and be more self-sufficient. After Cohen had his morning nap we headed out to stroll around the car boot sale and then off to the MIL a bit of Mother's Day time with her. I am happy to report that she liked her Mother's Day gift which were the stitch markers I made her added with some rosewood knitting needles and a knitting/crochet pattern book.

So that was pretty much it for my Mother's Day no other major highlights, with the exception of cuddles and smiles from my sweet boy.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Crafty time

I haven't had much time to do anything creative or artistic in ages with so much going on and more that I am working on. However with Mother's Day approaching and us pinching pennies I thought I would make some time to get creative about something towards my MIL Mother's Day gift. My MIL likes to knit but maybe once or twice a year she will do something. So I was thinking now that she is a grandmother she will probably do a little more knitting from time to time. She is often saying that if there is something I want her to knit she will do it for me. Anyways I thought I would encourage her interest in knitting a little more now and especially now that it's coming into winter it's a nice, quiet and cozy activity for indoors in front of the telly.

So yesterday whilst Cohen was down for a nap I got busy making her some stitch markers. They are simple but nonetheless effective, I have even checked with some of the wonderfully creative knitting mummas on Nappycino and they have given me the thumbs up with my stitch markers. Some of those mummas are also trying to lure me over the dark side so to speak to the world of knitting. Although it is a craft I want to learn properly I think it will have to go on the back burner for a few months, until I clear a few other things off my plate I am working on.

Anyways it was nice to sit down yesterday for a short period to do this little project and be a little crafty and creative. I hope my MIL likes them, as we have also bought her some lovely rosewood knitting needles and pattern book.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Pottering around

It has been a long weekend for us here in Queensland, for Labour Day. We have spent a large portion of the weekend pottering around and getting odd jobs done. This afternoon we got out on the side of the house where we have had a few pots growing with herbs and vegetables. To be honest when I say a few we have managed fruit off our tomato tree which you may remember from a previous post. It has continued to give us tomatoes since then. However I have been fighting a battle with the bugs, but I will not lose my resolve and will keep trying to fight the fight as naturally as possible. We have also been successfully growing basil, which has given us the enjoyment of a yummy fresh basil pesto meal on several occasions now......the basil is still going strong!

So boosted by our success over recent months, yesterday afternoon we got out there, down the side of the house and did some reorganising and I am rather excited about our efforts. We now have some Bambino Broccoli planted, Baby Capsicum and broad beans planted. Now I must point out due to the size of the property we have our "vegie patch" is and will be all done in pots. I have done reading on line and these days it would seem as though you can grow almost anything well in pots if you make the right selections.

This now seems like a rather pointless post and I was going to share a pic of how well organised it all looks out there but it is pouring down with rain and I don't fancy standing out there in it again today. Well I guess by posting about it, it kind of keeps us accountable to keep it all on track and not let it all die!

Fingers crossed, hopefully soon I will be able to post pics of everything flourishing.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Getting something off my chest...

Funny I choose the words "getting something off my chest" for this post. Because in a manner of speaking we are going to be speaking about my chest. However to be serious I have some things I just need to put out there and get off my chest about my journey as a parent, through re lactation and breastfeeding in general.

Firstly I'd like to state the choices I make in raising my son and how I go about it, is my business. Not for some wack job whether I know you or not to berate me about my choices. I have had several incidents in the last few months where certain people have found it necessary to give me a hard time. It's of no surprise how little support breastfeeding mothers get in society, when there are idiots out there with ridiculous attitudes.

I am of the opinion if you don't know what you're talking about, shut your mouth. So for those who have chosen to give me a hard time, if you haven't breastfeed. Better yet re lactated and put months, months of work in to give your child natural goodness......keep your bleeping opinions to yourself as you have NO and I repeat NO idea what you are talking about. Your opinions of what age I should have my son weaned is none of your concern and if I choose and he is willing to fed through another pregnancy and beyond, that's my business. I don't want to hear your disgusting attitudes that what I am doing to disgusting and damaging to my child. Don't tell me how you find it offensive because honestly blurting out your uneducated opinions is offensive to me.

So there I have said it and I must say that my breastfeeding isn't the only thing that has copped a beating at the moment, it's the fact that we chose to have our son in cloth nappies full time. So furthermore to that point, stop doubting our resolve and hear this load in clear. Our son will not have a disposable anything near his rear end not now, not anytime in the future and yes we will be doing cloth with all our subsequent children from the first one in hospital.

I guess what I am trying to put out there and say is that you may not agree with my choices in raising my son, but it's not your job to blurt your foulness over the place. I don't go around telling you how I think it's disgusting the choices you are making with your children. So show mothers and families like mine some respect for giving the natural way of parenting and raising our children a go.

Ok so it's off my chest now, and just to point out this post is clearly not directed at any of my lovely followers. But thanks anyways for letting me vent and continuing to follow my journey.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Birthday Boy

It has been a very special weekend here this weekend, Cohen's 1st birthday. It is amazing how quickly a year has gone by and all that has happened in that time. My gorgeous little man has given us more joy then I could ever have imagined. He is everything we dreamed for and more, he has bucket loads of spunk and pizazz and gives me a run for my money. Not a day goes by that I don't think how lucky we are that he chose us to be his parents. I have photos below of our celebrations over the last few days. Saturday his actual birthday we had a relatively easy going day and it was all about family and we had both sets of grandparents here for a few hours for morning tea. We then got to enjoy the rest of the day with our darling with a very quick spot of shopping and a long play in the park before coming home for dinner.

Sunday, Anzac Day we met with friends and their children at a park near to us and had a lovely afternoon catching up with some of those dear to us. Cohen got very spoilt for his first birthday....more so from everyone else rather then us I think. We only spent $15 on him buying 2 books and a mini plastic golf club set. Anyways I hope you enjoy some of the pics!

Happy Birthday my darling boy.....I love you baby!

Monday, April 19, 2010

We're finally there

I logged into my blog this morning and saw my ticker say that Cohen and I have been on our re lactation journey for 3 months and 3 days. Wow I thought that has gone by quickly and look at where we are now! Well here I am with a major booby update just in the last 3 days it looks like we have been able to drop the last bit of the formula Cohen was getting. So I think I can fairly confidently say that we are now 100% re lactated. I am so proud of both Cohen and I efforts and as I mentioned on a Nappycino post this morning we have been through so many obstacles to get to this point. We have been through miscarriage, sickness, colds, breast pumps breaking down, me going away to Canberra and teething (ouch). All these obstacles at different times have been challenging and at times very draining on me. But you know what? Not once has giving up even entered into my mind. I am so glad that I listened to my darling little boy and I picked up on his cues of what he needed from his mumma and I have given it to him. As for him what a clever little man, to ride this journey with.......what a blessing and joy you are to not only me but your daddy.

We have also done some rearranging of Cohen's night routine and as a result the knock on effect has been that nap times have become less of a fight. I have started to get some much needed down time, as I was getting to a frazzle point in the last few weeks. I realise now that the testing times in the last few weeks was probably Cohen's way of trying to communicate the next leap in the re lactation journey. Obviously Cohen is still a major mummy's boy but I have been getting lots of help and advice. One of the wonderful Nappycino mumma's has lent me an Ergo carry to try out so hopefully our longer outings like groceries will be easier if he can be closer to me. So if the loaner of the Ergo keeps on working out, I will be on the look out for a good second hand one at a cheap let me know if you know of any, as I have to return the loaner one in a few weeks.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Busy Busy Busy

I have been a busy chook lately and I've been struggling to get time to blog. Our lap top having some sort of malfunction hasn't helped and it's not as convenient to bring a home computer to bed whilst DH reads so I can do some blogging. If I stay up and sit in the office to blog and do other bits and pieces I will never get to bed. Oh and time in bed is rather required lately as we are having another run of Cohen waking at the most painful times during the wee dark hours. So it's best at the moment if I force myself to bed at a reasonable hour.

Another reason for the lack of posts recently is that I have been busy working on some mystery plans that I will be sharing with you all and others soon enough. So keep watching this space for news as you just might have another blog to be following soon. But sshhhh that's all I am going to say for now.

So in between all that there is just normal life and living, and running after a little tacker who turns one next week. There will definitely be post next week, time willing to show off the birthday boy. He is amazing me every day at the moment with what he can do and how much he is learning. He has recently mastered saying "ta"'s so cute. At the moment I can definitely confirm he can say dad, daddy, ta. As for the list of words I "think" he might also be saying but I need a proper audible confirmation on are mum, doggie and woof. I am pretty certain he is saying dog or doggie, but as for mum I'm not so sure about that. I having a feeling a will still be waiting awhile before I hear mum, mum, mum!

Well I best round this post up, I just wanted to drop in and say hello and hopefully in the next week or so things will have settled down and I can see myself clear of posting other updates and news I have been wanting to share.

Fingers crossed next post I hope to have a major booby update for you all to read.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Cheap Scores

It has been the first time in several months that on this particular weekend of the month we haven't been at the car boot sale, to sell our wares. In all honesty we just weren't prepared this time around, at least not as prepared as we normally would like to be. So we decided to give this month a break and we will probably look at doing one in May, after we have Cohen's first birthday behind us this month.

So instead of going to the car boot to sell our stuff, we went to have a proper look around together. Which is something we never get to do properly when we are there selling stuff. Anyways today I was on the look out for various things, of the things that were on my actual mental list I got one thing. However I got two other things that weren't on my mental list. I was really hoping to find some more clothes for Cohen, but it seemed to be the day for girls clothing rather then boys so much. So alas no clothes for Cohen were purchased. Although I did get him these pair of sandals for $1 (shoes were on my I was happy with this score).

Wandering around we came by my next score and I nearly didn't bother with them because I was carrying Cohen and he was in one of those moods where he didn't want to be put down. What I am talking about are these gorgeous peep toe flats flashing a bit of my fav colour green. I had to ask Ben to climb over the other wears the women was selling and throw them down in front of me, so I could flick off the shoes I was wearing to try them on. Perfect fit, exactly my size $2, can you believe and on further inspection these flats have seen very little wear, so I will have them around for a while.

Finally my last score of the morning, a brand new top with tags still on it for.....are you ready.........50 cents, yes 50 cents. I have been pretty cheeky with finds before in my op shopping endeavours, but never have I managed a brand new top for myself for 50 cents.

So there you go $3.50 and my shopping is done, I am very seriously thinking about putting Cohen and myself on a challenge for 12 months to see if I can cloth us only in second hand scores. Of course underwear and that sort of thing wouldn't be included for obvious reasons. Anyways I best give the challenge more thought, I see other bloggers setting themselves challenges like this all the time. But is it something I could go the distance on????? I don't know, I will think about it!
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