I didn't return to work for over a month after losing the twins. One I wasn't ready to and two I had a workmate who I had to share an office with who was due to have her baby any day. I wasn't prepared in any case to return to work until she had left for maternity leave. During the time I was off work DH had no choice but to return to work, he runs a business with his father. I had to start forcing myself to be able to cope without him. DH tried his best each day to get his work done and get home to me a soon as possible each day. Some days I would call him several times and just be in tears and need to hear his voice, it sucked. That's not to say that every day I felt like that but some days I did and some days I had good days. Good days gave me confidence that there would be other good days. But in the early days I could have a good day or two but then the rest of the week could be a battle. Sometimes it was so consuming I would just mutter the words "I just don't want to breath anymore". On one of those good days that DH was working and I was all by myself at home, I got a feeling. This feeling was just telling me it was time, it was time to confront some of the hard stuff. I opened the nursery door and stood at what should have been my twins cots. I picked up a package that we were given on leaving the hospital it was something I had sad yes to wanting for record of my babies. It was my babies blankets, caps, tags, footprints, hand prints and a CD with their photos.
You see when I was unable in the middle of all my trauma in hospital to commit to seeing my babies they offered to take photos and do this package up. So here I am at home by myself and I sit down at our laptop and look at my babies for the first time. I know straight away from looking at them that they are girls, my little girls. You see, although they were pretty certain in hospital that they were girls we were still waiting on my 6 week check up and chromosomal testing to come back to confirm for sure so we could name them for certain. I didn't need any of that confirmation I just knew, I guess a mother just knows.....doesn't she? They had beautiful long necks like their mumma, I look at them and they are all swaddled up sweetly in their baby blankets and little caps on.....they just look asleep, like sweet little angels. They are the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I compose myself after a little while of silent tears and call DH to tell him that what I have done. He is so proud that I have been able to do that, he tells me that he won't be looking at the pics as he saw his babies once in the hospital and he doesn't know if or when he can ever do it again....it hurts too much. I feel proud of myself that I have been strong enough to take this leap and I prove to myself that I haven't died of sadness in the process. DH and I decide that no one else except for us will ever see these precious keepsakes or photos of our babies. We feel that since we were robbed of that moment where mum and dad, see their baby/ babies for the first time, its our way of keeping something just for us. We have had friends and family ask to see the photos and keepsakes, and everyone has been told that its "our precious memories" in lieu of those moments in the delivery room for the first time with your baby/babies. A few people have been funny about our unwillingness to share, but that's not our problem frankly.
I eventually return to work after over a month off, it sucks I don't want to be there the first week is terrible. I spent many moments in tears at work, but in some respects although I loathed being there it helped get my mind busy again. As I felt I had nothing much else to focus on, I just started putting my head back down and bum up and kept showing my strong work ethic I have always demonstrated. Two weeks back at work and I had to take a day off work because we were having my 6+ week check up and results from all our testing and babies testing. I knew that it was going to be an emotionally charged day being confronted by everything again in a medical context (smartly we lined up a counselling session for afterwards). The doctor we see is a funny looking guy who looks more like a crazy artist then a OBGYN. We are told because of the type of twins I carried and the rarity of carrying them (1 in 10,000 chance of conceiving mono-mono twins in the first place) that its too hard from them to say that any one thing was the cause to us losing them. He tells us that one twin was a little smaller then the other. Other confronting stats are given to us like the likely odds of carrying mono-mono twins to survival..... 50/50. This fact makes it hard, real hard to bare......you feel like you never had much of a chance from the get go. We are assured that there should be little if any impact at all on subsequent pregnancies. We are just told over and over that its just one of those things and there is nothing that could have been done.
We leave the appoitnment mostly feeling relieved that we can now most certainly call our babies by their names Elle Samantha and Meg Melissa. We are still sadden though that we feel as though we still have no real answers, it doesn't help fill the void of unanswered questions. We have our counselling session later on and debrief the information we have and rejoice in our girls names and agonise at having no real answers. But for the main part today is special in that our darlings have their names now. When we got home my dear friend has left a gift bag at our door. I had text messaged a few close friends after our doctors appointment to announce our little girls names and ask that they have them in their thoughts and prayers that day. I collect the gift bag from the front door and my sweet darling friend has given us two small cherubs just perfect for our garden by "the girls tree" (the hibiscus tree I spoke of in an earlier entry). Also in the gift bag is an antique Tibetan bell I can't explain how but it just gives me hope......it makes sense to me, it might not to others but that's ok.
Our day ends by talking about our discussions with the doctor he told us at the appointment that we could start trying again as long as my cycle has returned of course. We knew even in the earliest days of our devastation that the right thing for us, and what felt right for us was to start trying again as soon as we could.........and a good thing that we do just that!