We pull into our driveway DH says to me honey it might just be best for you to get into bed and take it easy. I get out of the car and walk out of the garage across our front lawn to the mailbox. I think DH expected I would have just walked straight on into the house and to bed. But I walk gingerly to collect the mail, clearly something that hadn't been done for several days. I see an envelope that is addressed to me but not a bill or something else I normally expect to see. I open it, I HAVE WON seriously can you believe at a time like now, I HAVE WON something, it's a competition a had entered and forgotten about. I have have won a dinner for two to the value of $100 at a local Indian restaurant. I walk up the driveway tenderly and wobbly, I'm crying and DH is asking what is it. I just say to him isn't it strange how when you just think there is no light, no hope, no nothing after everything you are reminded that there is light and fortune for you.
I stop at the internal door to our garage that leads into the house and remember that the nursery is in the house with 2 cots set up. I tell DH that he must go in first and close the door to the room as I just can't be confronted by that just yet. DH calls out from inside the house "Ok Babe". I walk in and I am dumb, this moment is meant to of gone differently, I am meant to be carrying my babies into the house. I walk to the kitchen and stand supported at the bench and look out into our garden. I feel a lump in throat, and burning in my eyes it's coming, I have seen something that has set me off. DH some time ago had planted hibiscus trees in our garden and we had been waiting and waiting and waiting for them flower. We would often go out into the garden examining the trees for signs that we would be getting flowers. I remember about a week prior to losing my babies I had been in the garden checking them out and there were no signs for buds. Damn it, stupid plants I thought at the time....we are never going to have flowers. Well I can not explain how this is possible but as I am standing at the kitchen bench being engulfed by emotion I am looking at the tree that is outside our bedroom window and its centre branch and at its very tip is a flower, one single bright yellow hibiscus flower. As bright as a new day! It meant something to us at that moment, it felt like a message.
Our first night home together alone in our devastation was exhausting, we couldn't sleep in silence. We resorted to playing DVDs over and over again to send us off to sleep in bed together whilst we held one another. If one of us woke, we both woke we could cry, I would howl, at points I screamed so hard and so loud that I thought I would break all over again. I cursed, I asked why us, I damned others who didn't care properly for the children they have. This went on for days, I spent the first few days in bed and not really wanting to do anything, but I felt so weak. I felt weak from the devastation but alot of it had to also do with my recovery from general anaesthetic. I never respond well to being under general and it is generally a week long process at least to regain some physical normalcy. I would shower and have to sit down, I needed my DH for everything.....I couldn't bare to be alone for more then a few minutes at a time. I didn't want something else bad happening to me and him not being there. DH had already showed his measure as a man to me in his actions in our marriage, but his care of me in this time showed us a depth in our marriage I could never of imagined. It surprised us both that in our devastation that we were being shown new levels and depths of our love and commitment to one another.
I am starting to jump around a bit now in relaying events to you, but I think that's because for weeks after I came home minutes, hours and days had little meaning or importance to me. I didn't care what day it was, or what time of the day I would do something, I would eat (if I could) in the middle of the night. Some nights I would wake from a short burst of sleep having being woken by flashbacks and DH would get up and make me a cup of tea and some toast and we would talk and start watching a DVD at some stupid hour until we were groggy enough again for sleep. As you can see from this entry you can see there were moments early on where we could see and acknowledged signs of hope, but those moments were often engulfed by heartache sooner or later during the day.
I have been through difficult times in my life previous to this event and I knew back then that I needed help and had sort out counselling many years earlier for a period of a few months. I knew how beneficial it was to me at that time in understanding what was happening in my life then, and why it was happening. I knew even before I had left the hospital I was going need to best help possible this time, I knew that I couldn't do it alone and if I tried to this time I would break forever if I didn't get help. We therefore sort out the assistance of the best grief counsellor we could who specialised in helping parents with pregnancy loss.