In the last 24 - 36 hours I have started to feel some heaviness across my chest. No I'm not about to have a heart attack, there is nothing wrong with my health. The heaviness I am speaking of is my boobs. I am amidst efforts at the moment to try and re-lactate and go back to breastfeeding Cohen. You see recently he has shown signs of being interested in the boob again. It has been so hot here that at night I have been sleeping bare chested. In the mornings if Cohen wakes before 5am we bring him into our bed for cuddles. He has been finding it entertaining to crawl over us in bed and give cuddles and kisses but has also been finding my boob and trying to have a few sucks.
It came as somewhat a confusing revelation at first. You see just before Christmas DH and I found out that I was pregnant again and Cohen started this behaviour just as the new year dawned. Sadly though come the second week of the new year and it was confirmed via ultrasound that our baby had no heartbeat. January 14th I went into hospital and had a D&C. It has been yet a difficult time in my life again and I have had many feelings over Elle & Meg re-visited as well. But in the middle of my recovery has been my little man, wanting mummy's boob.....or at least showing signs he does. I have been seeking advice and opinion on re-lactating and decided that for the sole benefit of my child and ascertaining his needs it is something I must try and do. He doesn't have words to tell me what he needs or wants he only has his actions and I can only do my best to interpret them. It has also been helping me emotionally with my journey through my recent grief. I had always wanted to be breastfeeding Cohen for a minimum of a year and longer hopefully. However my journey through breastfeeding him stopped around 6 months. I started having supply problems and DH and I had also started talking about trying for another baby. I know the desire for another baby has a lot to do with losing Elle & Meg and wanting two children close together. So when I was having the supply problems and we started to try again, things just happened and Cohen ended up on the bottle full time due to unsettledness.
I have missed breastfeeding him so much and have longed and missed the special connection you have when you are successfully breastfeeding. But now it looks like we might be getting a second chance. I know the journey to re-lactate can be a long one and it could mean that a lot of effort is put in for no successful return to the breast in the long run. However I can't walk away from the signs my son is showing me and giving us both that second chance. So who knows what's going to happen, but stay tuned and we will see I guess. Fingers crossed that my boy will return and he will be a booby boy once again. So for the moment I am taking some medication to help build a supply again things are happening very slowly there but hence the heaviness I am starting to feel fuller. We are also employing other tactics for example trying to break Cohen's visual response and connect to the bottle at the moment. So now I feed with a bottle up my shirt with my breast also at the teat of the bottle. We are at stage where Cohen is feeding from the bottle but will also go off the bottle and have a few sucks at the breast. However once he realises there isn't enough of a supply yet for him to get anything he stops. My next step at the moment is to speak with the ABA about a supply line so that I can have at the breast and be stimulated constantly but he would still be getting a supply or feed until we can see if I can get a legitimate supply back for him. So in the long run we will have to see if he wants mummy milk again rather then formula, he is also going to need to work out that he is going to have to work harder at the breast to get something as well.
So again here is to hoping and we will see what happens, I'll keep you posted.