This weekend just gone I have started to feel exhausted by it all on this re lactation journey. You know when you are so physically exhausted that you are then emotionally exhausted and question what you are doing and how well you are doing things. When I first breastfed Cohen from birth and he would have those really long sessions at the boob, at some point after a long day I would get a feeling like lactic acid had built up in my body. It would just make me feel so spent and achy and irritated that I would just want to be able to move around and release that tension.
Anyways Cohen has been waking in the early hours of the morning, 2.30am onwards and nothing or no one else has been able to settle him down except for me. Because it's too early, and I have been too tired and too physically drained with this tenseness in my body I have been bringing Co into bed with us and he goes on the boob and feeds. When he does this he is getting on the boob for an hour or more, I know he is getting milk but a lot of that time I imagine he would just have to be comfort sucking as well. Another thing too is I am finding it hard to get back to sleep when he is on the boob, so most mornings now I am awake from anywhere from 2.30am onwards. Don't get me wrong I do get a bit of light dozing in, but I am not getting anymore sleep for my body to recover. So it brings me to this morning when Co woke up at 3am, I feel so bad but my first thought was please could you not need me, I really am just so buggered I need rest. I asked Ben to get up to him to see if he could settle him or even try giving him a drink of water to hold him over until later this morning. Well Co cracked it and was pushing Ben away, so I ended up having to bring him into bed and give him boob early again. After an hour of Co sucking that aching feeling of lactic acid in my body was getting so bad I was just pleading in my head for Co to be finished. I feel even worse for what I am about to say but I ended up taking him off the boob after an hour gave him a little hug and put him his cot. As soon as I did that he royally cracked it again and I just started crying myself.
So I ended up asking Ben to go in and try again with him, hoping now that he had an hour on the boob that he would settle and drop back off to sleep. Ben ended up with him for half an hour and finally got him back off to sleep. I just feel so bad I am having these pleading thoughts for Co not to feed so long as it is draining me and I need my rest too. Just the thought that I have put all this effort in with him and I am having bad feelings just makes me feel sooooo bad. I don't even know if I am making any sense all I know is I am tired and emotional. I know it doesn't help that we have had a really busy weekend, but I guess sometimes that just happens when you have a baby.
Anyways the day has ended better then it has started and I posted a thread on Nappycino about how I am feeling. I am lucky to have the support of some beautiful mumma's and they have given me a lot to think about. A lot of which I already knew but couldn't see because I am out of sorts. My whinge and gripe today is by no means the end of our re lactation journey, it's just a hurdle we have to overcome. When it all comes down to it Cohen still doesn't have words to tell me what he wants or what he is doing, so I have to do my best in interpreting his needs. It would have been naive of me to think that the whole re lactation journey would be breezy the whole way through. I know this time will pass and we will hit our groove but for today I just needed to be a bit of sook and have a moment.