Other then a few sentences in a previous post back in January there is a matter that I haven't really blogged about and thought it time I say more then those few words back then. The matter I am speaking of is the loss of another pregnancy for us, three angel babies for us now. One of the aims of my blog is to share my story of loss and grief and living with it and beyond it, so sooner or later I knew I had to say something more even though few people realised I was pregnant again.
Well as I write this entry, had I still been pregnant I would be about half way now. It's a bit of a hard pill to swallow. I haven't been keeping track of the weeks since the miscarriage, in all honest there has been much to much else going on here. I know I would have been halfway, as one of my closest friends who lives in Melbourne is pregnant at the moment. You see we found out about the same time we were pregnant and found out that our due dates were practically the same. In fact we both had bleeding and threatened miscarriage concerns pretty much at the same time as well. Thankfully for Kath she is within days now of finding out the sex of her baby (this will be her second child). It has been a hard mix of feelings to deal with having what has happened to us and having a friend so close and dear to be pregnant and due at the same time I should have been.
Kath and her husband have been trying for this second baby for a long time and I think she was starting to have doubts it would ever happen. I am not angry nor jealous that she is still pregnant and has the gift of a second child on the way. But I won't lie that it does make it hard wanting and trying to communicate with her since I lost this angel baby. She has what I want and that is to have another baby on the way but I know she understands that. After I had the miscarriage, Kath had a few other threaten miscarriage worries that she was texting me about. I found my grief over this most recent loss became even worse receiving messages like that, because it compounded my loss even further. It's only natural when you are in a grieving state that if you hear other bad news or stories that it would compound those emotions further. On top of that at the time I had other mega, mega stresses going within my family. My plate was too full and the grief, loss and flashbacks with Elle and Meg were coming on thick and fast on top of everything else. I think it was all a case of too much too soon for us and all that has happened in just under the two years we have lost the girls.
We went through all the phases of grief and loss with this most recent miscarriage, but it certainly wasn't to the scale and depth of losing Elle and Meg. Don't get me wrong that doesn't mean that this pregnancy wasn't wanted and desired as much as Elle and Meg were. Rather I think it's a coping response from having walked the road before of miscarriage and loss. I understand that everything happens for a reason, but of course there are bad days when I question that when I don't have my angel babies here and earthbound. At the time Ben and I had some days of asking why the hell us again, we are good people, adoring loving parents and all we want to do is share our love......why would we have to cop another blow. But we know from experience life goes on, we have Cohen to prove that and we couldn't be more delighted with the results of putting one foot in front of the other. But of course it is only natural you have days and wonder what it would be like. It's much the same with this most recent loss, I wonder some days how much I would be showing, how I would be coping, how Cohen would be responding to it all.
I am the type of person who generally finds peace in finding the answer to "everything happens for a reason"........even if it is to delude myself of sorts. But seriously it just helps otherwise I think I would find it hard to move on and want to keep trying. I realise now with losing this angel baby there were so many reasons for it happening, which would take me forever to list all of those deluded reasoning's. But out of it all I have received gifts despite this loss, like the chance to re lactate and be breastfeeding Cohen again. This loss has helped me, right a wrong in having Cohen go back to the boob after 3 odd months or so on formula. It has helped heal the guilt I had for not staying true to Cohen and to my own ideals. So for that I am so fortunate, but for losing another pregnancy.....well that's still crappy. I guess at the end of the day it's about allowing the blessings you have wash over you and living in those moments each day. At the same time honoring the losses and those feelings when they come up. This is how I look at it, when Ben and I make it to the other side many, many years from now I hope, we will have so much love to be untied with on the other side waiting for us.
So from here....yeah Ben and I will be trying again of course. Am I going to call you and tell you I am pregnant......no! Can you work it out for yourself.....yes! Can people be nice enough not ask every five seconds if I am pregnant again.....we will see! Will we do things differently this time regardless of the outcome....hell yes we will! All subsequent pregnancies from here on in, you will find out about in due course, it's only fair to us that we have more control over our bliss or sorrow. It is getting too hard to have to put on a strong face when everyone knows you business all to soon and things go wrong.
But before I go just so you all know, I am doing fine, we are doing fine. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger they say, and I am doing well. I am a busy mumma to a sweet little man and a sibling for him will come, it's just a waiting game. As for Kath and I and our relationship during this time, we will be just fine. I am excited to hear if she has a blue one or pink one on the way. I will be blissfully excited for her when her wee one is born. But of course it will be natural for me to have a moment knowing that it should have been the same time for me........but it's ok I will live. The universe has other plans for us......who knows what they are, so for now we will just sit back and have faith and see what happens.