Monday, May 24, 2010

Heartache

The major purpose of this blog wouldn't be doing it's job if I wasn't sharing the good, the bad, the ugly along this journey to bliss. Sadly this post is not for sharing the good as I need to share some further agonising heartache with you. In recent weeks Ben and I found out we were expecting another baby and were excited but keep things but keeping it all very hush, hush. After having our second miscarriage in January and waiting the advised time we have been excited at the prospect of our family expanding. I finally got confirmation of my quantitative HCG levels last week as I haven't been tracking cycles so was therefore unsure to how far along I could be. My doc called me last Wednesday afternoon to advise results were back and all was good but I wasn't as far along as I had thought I might be, but said she wasn't worried by the results if I hadn't been tracking cycles. She suggested that I could do blood tests every 3 days to check on HCG levels to make sure they were going up. Knowing my history and knowing that Elle & Meg's second angel day coming up I took the doc up on the offer for the extra emotional assurance until I could get a dating scan done. I went up the road Wednesday afternoon and collected the blood work requests. However late Wednesday night my worst fears started to present themselves, I went to the toilet and noticed the ever so small and slightest bit of pink discharge. Come the early hours of Thursday morning that slight discharge turned into what looked like what I would expect at the start of my period. That then turned throughout the day to heavy bleeding with clots. I am sorry for those reading this if it's too much information, but I am not going to censor what happened or how I am feeling.

So as you can imagine I have had the better part of the last 4 odd days going between being a completely functioning person to being a complete and utter sobbing mess of a women. To put it bluntly our weekend was crap, just waiting out this whole heart wrenching game. Finally and with great sadness today I saw my doc and my repeat HCG levels have been returned and it is without doubt that we have lost another precious angel. It's another hard blow for us 4 babies in 2 years, it's not fair by any standard.

Furthermore I am sorry to those who are reading this who care for us and love us especially if you are learning of our most recent tragedy through this post. Please understand I am beyond announcing pregnancies just to announce sadness to follow. You may ask why the hell I would post about this then given that is my thought process......well my blog in many aspects is about helping others through loss and tragedy and I wouldn't be doing that job properly if I wasn't being honest about everything warts and all.

5 comments:

  1. Hugs Trudie, I've also been through loss, we had a stillborn in September last year and I'm currently 32 weeks with our 'rainbow' baby. So I know this pain. I am just looking around your blog because I see so many things that interest me or I feel attracted to - babywearing, MCNs, sewing and also that you've experienced loss - not that its interesting at all, just that I see you are a lot like me. Your little Sarah looks like such a little doll and what a blessing she was after your losses. It doesn't make those losses better, but it gives so much more hope.

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