Thursday, June 24, 2010

Boobs are friends...

Yes I know a weird title for this blog post. But it has dawned on me in the last week or so that I think Cohen's relationship with my boobs so to speak is changing. Of course they are still a source of comfort, food and goodness. However I think he may either be seeing my boobs as his friends or play things. To be honest it's rather funny really. He gets rather giggly and excited for booby times sometimes. But what is really funny is when he starts giving my boobs soft little head butts and giggling. He even does the same thing and pretends to give them little kisses (or at least what I call little kisses) whilst smiling and giggling before hoping on for a feed. He doesn't behave like this all the time, but it is rather funny and sweet to watch this part of our breastfeeding relationship change as he gets older and more of his character is showing. I think overall his behaviour is just showing me how comforting and special our breastfeeding relationship is to him. Cohen you are just so funny and sweet, I love being your Mummy!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

And on the 4th day she created...

Ben has taken Cohen out for a few hours again this morning giving this mumma some creating time rather then letting me loose in yet another op shop. With an old white t-shirt that I no longer liked the style of, look what I have now.

This one is obviously a plain cowl neck loopy (that's what I have decided to call it).....just loop around, double it up and pop it over your head and go!

Something a little different.....

Mix it up with some beads you already have laying around that need a new life.....

All these created with old t-shirt, scissors and sewing machine in a few minutes flat. Now I have some new looks for this winter.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

What's my favourite number today????

FIVE!!!!!!! Why? The answer is easy, I have had my re lactated booby boy back for 5 months today......WOOOHOOOO!!! Way to go mumma, way to go Cohen look at us go! One more month and we will be 12 months of breastfeeding altogether. As I have said all the way along I don't know how long we have this particular journey for, but we are going to ride this one until the end. I tell you what though after all the work, time, love, effort and emotion that has gone into this journey I think I will be sad to see it come to end whenever that may be. Some people may think I am crazy for saying this but I hope that time doesn't come anytime too soon. Co is such a booby loving boy that I don't see any signs of him slowing down anytime soon.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Happy Days

Happy days this week! Why you ask? Well on the weekend Ben buckled and let me in on a secret he was trying to keep until the working week started. He announced that he was having all of this week off. You have no idea how happy this news made me, I cried. You see we haven't had proper family time off together since Cohen was born. So it is especially nice to have Ben home and not have it be Christmas time or Easter and everyone else needing and wanting to see him or us. So he is all ours, I tell you and it's great. Today we had to run an errand which was dropping Ben's van off at the body shop, so Cohen and I had to follow him down in the car. After dropping off the van we headed down to Tweed Heads for a drive and some opping. I know a certain someone who follows my blog is going to have a chuckle "I told you, you needed to warn the op shops I was on my way!"

So yes this mumma went a little crazy again today sussing out some new haunts to check in on a regular basis. So today's haul come to about $20, check out this list and some of the pics:
* 6 pieces of old school Tupperware in super good condition
* 4 old school baby coat hangers and 2 everyday white padded white baby coat hangers
* Vintage/Retro square tablecloth
* A ever so sweet embroidered vintage baby bib
* 2 gorgeous embroidered pillowcases
* 2 1060's kids project/activity books in perfect condition
* A sweet little button up baby girls dress for a sweet little someone I know
* 1 old school wide bladed butter knife....Ben is very excited about and declared today's trip out was worth it just for that.....knife was 20cents he he he!
* 1 Funky Butts AIO Purple MCN......$1

Now that's just a few pics, not the greatest of pics but I have saved what my knitting mumma friends might get a little excited over. Check out these pics from a Patons Knitting Pattern book I bought some of the woolies in this book are just so, so, so sweet. Yes, yes I know I still need to learn to knit....but perhaps others might like to have a flick through the book in the meantime.

So there you go just a few pics to show off today's finds. I am very much looking forward to tomorrow as Ben is going to watch over Cohen for me so I have some much, much, much needed mummy time. I think I feel a little cheeky so I might just take a drive out to sus out some other new opping haunts and then home after for some relaxing crafty time and some reading I think. Ahhhh it's so nice having my man home.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Just need to say

You know there are several things that don't make things easy for me at the moment. I have been mulling over this post for days now and trying to talk myself out of this post and these feelings. Why? Probably more so because I don't want to be misunderstood or to upset others. But I have come to the realisation that if I continue to deny these feelings and emotions through my journey at the moment I'm not doing myself any favours. Also for me to be worrying about other peoples feelings over this really shouldn't be my concern as I am the one who is at the centre of this pain and not them. I guess it comes down to the fact that true friends will understand that none of my words are intended to start a bigger issue, because to be honest it's like hell I need it.

I am finding it hard dealing with my feelings about my two miscarriages this year and my obligation and commitment to be a friend to those dear in my life. I am in a difficult situation that with both of these pregnancies this year, that when I found out I was pregnant, on both occasions I have had two dear friends confirm they were pregnant at the exact same time too. In January I shared the news I was pregnant with a dear friend of mine who lives interstate when she called to tell me she was expecting we worked out our LMP and due dates were within days of each other. When she had issues early on in her pregnancy with bleeding I tried supporting here through that after having been through so much previously with the lose of Elle and Meg. As issues and concerns started to escalate with my pregnancy I really couldn't give her anymore support, the walls were starting to close in. Aside from the fact that no pregnancy after losing Elle and Meg comes without stress and emotional challenges for me. Anyways even after confirming my pregnancy wasn't viable and that I needed a D & C I was still felt like I was being leaned on for support regarding my friends pregnancy whilst I was in the middle of grieving was torture. Thankfully and luckily for my friend her pregnancy has carried on and she will be due to have a baby boy some time in August. I have had to say to this friend that there is only so much talk I can handle and deal with regarding being emotional involved with her pregnancy as it is too raw for me. She seems to understand by I'm really not sure how well she understands.

Secondly I have my most recent pregnancy that I have lost and when I confirmed that pregnancy we kept quiet and didn't tell a sole. When I got a message from another dear friend to tell me that she is now expecting I buckled and told only her and no one else. But as you all know that pregnancy has also gone pear shaped and my friends pregnancy is still going strong despite her having sever morning sickness that she has had for all her pregnancies.

Now don't get me wrong I know the feeling when you are pregnant it's an all consuming feeling and I think it's only natural to be self-absorbed in oneself. I think we are designed in part to be that way, as I way of protecting ourselves as expectant mothers. However I am finding it so very, very, very hard to be an active friend to these two dear friends of mine in my life. They're both pregnant and excited and want to talk about their pregnancies, their hopes, dreams and plans. My friends ask me how I am doing but it is near on impossible to talk honestly with them about how I am feeling because they are pregnant. Not only do I not want to say things to rock their emotional stability whilst pregnant. But I feel in some part they don't realise that me listening to talk about their pregnancies causes emotional challenges for me sometimes too. I know I have an awful habit of coming off as being this strong enduring person, but I feel like through all these pregnancy loses it's really come out of necessity. So few people understand the true horror I endured when losing Elle and Meg and how that affects many aspects of my life and subsequent pregnancies. Please don't get me wrong I'm not walking around like a sad case every day incapable of happiness and connection with others dear to me, far from it in fact. However on the inside I do endure pangs and emotional surges which are made harder when people require more from me on an emotional level regarding sharing the joys of their pregnancies and expanding families.

I feel like that these feelings taken wrongly by people will come off as though I am a bitch and not happy for those close to me expecting their babies or expanding their families. Which again is far, far from the truth I couldn't be happy for those people, I know just how special that gift and joy is for them as I do have Cohen. I couldn't hope for anymore for these people and hope that all their dreams are fulfilled with their expecting arrivals. It is however hard for me to be in the situation of wanting those joys my friends are experiencing so badly, and to have had them sooo many times now and to be knocked down time after time. It is also embarrassing (which is really not the right word to use but it will do for now)to keep losing babies, it feels like there is an attack on my womanhood that I can easily fall pregnant (without effort it would seem) just to lose that pregnancy and not hold on to really hurts because we want several more children.

I guess the point of this post is I just want to make others aware of how encompassing the feelings of loss can be and how it can effect so many aspects of ones life and how those feelings and miscarriages can in turn affect others that are close to the person who has suffered the loss. I just hope some people understand that I can't be all things to all people as in the capacity I have always been until I can find a better emotional centre through all this pain. It doesn't mean I don't want to talk or see these people (again that's far from the case), I just need people to understand that I may have to put up some emotional walls to cope in some conversations or situations.

I am sorry for those reading this post if it has been a struggle to read or make sense of, it's very hard for me to make proper sense in words of these feelings at the moment but I just needed to get it all out. Tomorrow I am off to my first appointment with the psychologist arranged through my doctor an hopefully I can be armed with better coping techniques or strategies for dealing with these situations and emotions when they occur.

Friday, June 4, 2010

I'm in awe

I'm completely and utterly in awe of my little man, he is growing and changing and learning so quickly that I am going to have a big mummy boast with this post. The last year has gone so quickly and I am already starting to worry the next year will be gone as quickly. Every day more and more of Cohen's character and personality is making it's mark and it is gorgeous and hilarious to watch. It amazes me how much he understands for being so young and how much he is already trying to say. Cohen has started to develop a strong interest in books and you can ask him to get one and he will bring it to you and sit down in your lap ready for you to read it. I can then ask him to put it back and whilst doing that I will tell him to get another one and he will bring another one over to me. He has the same comprehension with following direction about other things. For example we can tell him to close doors or drawers he has gotten into and go things out of. He will put items back after being directed to do so and then will close the door or drawer. I really don't know where along the line he has learnt to do this but it amazes me how switched on he is. On the talking front he is saying more then I ever thought he would be at 13 months. He chatters and yabbers all day long now and in between all that you can hear him saying dad, daddy, mum mum, sit which is aimed at the dogs with a pointed finger. But the cracker at the moment which has started this week is WOW and WHOA.......everything is WOW at the moment in fact Ben and I have just been saying it just to have Cohen repeat over and over again and we just giggle and laugh each time it is sooooo cute! Amongst many other things Cohen loves spending time with Lacey in the evening before bed sitting beside her patting her and talking telling her to sit over and over and over again. He loves climbing in out of his toy box and lining toys up on the lip of the lid up against the wall. In fact he just loves everything at the moment and loves getting into anything and everything he should and shouldn't. It's a fun and crazy time here but I wouldn't have it any other way.

The results are in...

I had my follow up appointment with my GP this week to discuss the results of my blood tests after the most recent miscarriage. As I expected everything has come back normal. In some respects it's a relief but in some respects it's not. Basically what we are faced with is just getting back on the horse and trying again and seeing how we go. We of course are happy to try again, but we are no fools to this game so we are trying to look at things optimistically but realistically. On another note to do with my visit to the GP she is arranging for me to have further counselling to better support me now and over the next 12 months whilst we are walking through all I have been through in the last 2 years and our plans to keep trying. She has put me on a health plan so that these session will be bulked billed so I don't need to worry about the expense or not having that assistance if I really need it. She is such a wonderfully, awesome GP.....I'm going to be holding on to her.
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