Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Just need to say

You know there are several things that don't make things easy for me at the moment. I have been mulling over this post for days now and trying to talk myself out of this post and these feelings. Why? Probably more so because I don't want to be misunderstood or to upset others. But I have come to the realisation that if I continue to deny these feelings and emotions through my journey at the moment I'm not doing myself any favours. Also for me to be worrying about other peoples feelings over this really shouldn't be my concern as I am the one who is at the centre of this pain and not them. I guess it comes down to the fact that true friends will understand that none of my words are intended to start a bigger issue, because to be honest it's like hell I need it.

I am finding it hard dealing with my feelings about my two miscarriages this year and my obligation and commitment to be a friend to those dear in my life. I am in a difficult situation that with both of these pregnancies this year, that when I found out I was pregnant, on both occasions I have had two dear friends confirm they were pregnant at the exact same time too. In January I shared the news I was pregnant with a dear friend of mine who lives interstate when she called to tell me she was expecting we worked out our LMP and due dates were within days of each other. When she had issues early on in her pregnancy with bleeding I tried supporting here through that after having been through so much previously with the lose of Elle and Meg. As issues and concerns started to escalate with my pregnancy I really couldn't give her anymore support, the walls were starting to close in. Aside from the fact that no pregnancy after losing Elle and Meg comes without stress and emotional challenges for me. Anyways even after confirming my pregnancy wasn't viable and that I needed a D & C I was still felt like I was being leaned on for support regarding my friends pregnancy whilst I was in the middle of grieving again.....it was torture. Thankfully and luckily for my friend her pregnancy has carried on and she will be due to have a baby boy some time in August. I have had to say to this friend that there is only so much talk I can handle and deal with regarding being emotional involved with her pregnancy as it is too raw for me. She seems to understand by I'm really not sure how well she understands.

Secondly I have my most recent pregnancy that I have lost and when I confirmed that pregnancy we kept quiet and didn't tell a sole. When I got a message from another dear friend to tell me that she is now expecting I buckled and told only her and no one else. But as you all know that pregnancy has also gone pear shaped and my friends pregnancy is still going strong despite her having sever morning sickness that she has had for all her pregnancies.

Now don't get me wrong I know the feeling when you are pregnant it's an all consuming feeling and I think it's only natural to be self-absorbed in oneself. I think we are designed in part to be that way, as I way of protecting ourselves as expectant mothers. However I am finding it so very, very, very hard to be an active friend to these two dear friends of mine in my life. They're both pregnant and excited and want to talk about their pregnancies, their hopes, dreams and plans. My friends ask me how I am doing but it is near on impossible to talk honestly with them about how I am feeling because they are pregnant. Not only do I not want to say things to rock their emotional stability whilst pregnant. But I feel in some part they don't realise that me listening to talk about their pregnancies causes emotional challenges for me sometimes too. I know I have an awful habit of coming off as being this strong enduring person, but I feel like through all these pregnancy loses it's really come out of necessity. So few people understand the true horror I endured when losing Elle and Meg and how that affects many aspects of my life and subsequent pregnancies. Please don't get me wrong I'm not walking around like a sad case every day incapable of happiness and connection with others dear to me, far from it in fact. However on the inside I do endure pangs and emotional surges which are made harder when people require more from me on an emotional level regarding sharing the joys of their pregnancies and expanding families.

I feel like that these feelings taken wrongly by people will come off as though I am a bitch and not happy for those close to me expecting their babies or expanding their families. Which again is far, far from the truth I couldn't be happy for those people, I know just how special that gift and joy is for them as I do have Cohen. I couldn't hope for anymore for these people and hope that all their dreams are fulfilled with their expecting arrivals. It is however hard for me to be in the situation of wanting those joys my friends are experiencing so badly, and to have had them sooo many times now and to be knocked down time after time. It is also embarrassing (which is really not the right word to use but it will do for now)to keep losing babies, it feels like there is an attack on my womanhood that I can easily fall pregnant (without effort it would seem) just to lose that pregnancy and not hold on to it.....it really hurts because we want several more children.

I guess the point of this post is I just want to make others aware of how encompassing the feelings of loss can be and how it can effect so many aspects of ones life and how those feelings and miscarriages can in turn affect others that are close to the person who has suffered the loss. I just hope some people understand that I can't be all things to all people as in the capacity I have always been until I can find a better emotional centre through all this pain. It doesn't mean I don't want to talk or see these people (again that's far from the case), I just need people to understand that I may have to put up some emotional walls to cope in some conversations or situations.

I am sorry for those reading this post if it has been a struggle to read or make sense of, it's very hard for me to make proper sense in words of these feelings at the moment but I just needed to get it all out. Tomorrow I am off to my first appointment with the psychologist arranged through my doctor an hopefully I can be armed with better coping techniques or strategies for dealing with these situations and emotions when they occur.

2 comments:

  1. I just wanted to say how proud I am of you for putting that into words for everyone to read. I love you and will stick by you through thick and thin. When we're old and grey we will talk about it more. xoxoxo

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  2. It all sounds (dare I say it),perfectly 'normal' to me.

    I remember feeling devastated when my dear friend lost her little boy at 24 weeks, I was heavily pregnant, I felt guilty, I also felt thankful it wasn't me :( (how horrid). I always felt on edge and a little awkward when speaking about my pregnancy to her.

    Then this last month I attended a baby shower, rubbed my friends blossoming belly and laughed and played games - all while going through my miscarriage and feeling downright angry that my belly would never grow again. Not her fault, not my fault just damn hard to deal with.

    Anyway - blah blah blah from me. HUGS.

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