Friday, November 12, 2010

A bubby to do list!

We have hit a milestone with belly bub, we are now at 25 weeks and viable! It was at about this time in Cohen's pregnancy where the seriousness and likelihood that I was actually going to have a successful birth hit me. Hit me it did and hit me hard and fast and at a speed and intensity that I could barely comprehend for much of the remainder of his pregnancy due to fear, grief and trauma. As you all know I have got heaps more professional support around me with this pregnancy and I am working with my psychologist and psychiatrist on several things. One of the biggest things my psychologist is trying to have me work on are things that will help me build a better relationship with what is happening this time around. With preparation for Cohen I didn't overly care what his cot looked like, I didn't buy new clothes, I didn't pack my hospital bag until loads of my girlfriends started to get on me about it late in the game.......lots of things, you sort of get the picture don't ya?

So I thought that making up a list of things I would like to get or do for myself and or bubs, or even in preparation for Cohen's transition to having a sibling might help me......so here goes:

* Buy new bassinet mattress
* Buy a second car seat
* Watch my Hug-a-Bub DVD, yes Cel I still haven't done it, your demos are holding me over at present.....but this is seriously on the do list!
* Buy a big soft structured baby bag that I am actually happy with and will use rather then some other crappy bag
* I must buy some BIG wet bags for nappies when out and about
* Some nice things I would like to get myself would be some more cloth breast pads, some more PP cloth pads, some nice new comfy PJ's
* I'd love a facial or something and it's been ages since I had an eyebrow wax and a freshen up
* A couple of special occasion nappies for belly bub, I would do the same for Co but he looks as though he may be showing signs of TT so I am not so sure about doing that for him besides if I don't have shorts on him 99% of the time when he is wearing a nappy he will take his nappy off so no one would see a cute embroidered number on him

Well this is just a start, but it's not like we really need much anyway. To be honest I could get by on nearly everything we have here already. But I am trying my hardest to have things be different this time and allow myself to be excited and hopeful about things. All things considered I think I am doing well. I do have a considerable stash of newborn MCN nappies growing but I think I need to get a stash of smalls together as it will be a while before bubs is sharing on Cohen's MCN stash. I am also eagerly anticipating the arrival of knitted baby cocoon from Blueberry Hen. Oh and a certain lovely mumma I know is creating some pieces for us over at IssySnookles you can also check out more IssySnookles stuff on Minicuteture.

Now that I read back over of this post before publishing it, overall I think I should be pretty happy with myself and how far I have come in rising above my emotional/mental challenges with my PTSD and associated issues. I hope I can keep progressing and keep on checking in with you to share our preparations for belly bubs with you.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Touched out to touching!

Well I know I only blogged days ago with breastfeeding woes, but maybe just maybe things are turning the corner. You see the woes that I spoke of the other day have been going on for several weeks and have been increasing in nature to the obvious point of frustration which saw me here venting. Anyway over the weekend after months of wondering when Cohen will ever get anymore teeth, he started running really high temps and finally I found the culprit to be some toothy pegs coming through. We did however have a very hellish night with him Sunday night which saw me running on 2 maybe 3 hours broken sleep. I couldn't get the poor darling to settle and he wanted boobie to comfort and to fiddle but all he was doing was hurting me and I mean seriously hurting me. So sadly I had to refuse him because I was at breaking point with it all, and finally he gave in and fell asleep in my arms laying on the lounge with me. I got back to bed at 4am and he was awake and ready and chirpy at 5.30am can you believe it! Me however I was an emotional, mental and physical wreck from lack of sleep and frustration.

Anyway since we have gone through this whole process in the last 48 hours all Cohen's idiosyncrasies with his breastfeeding have settled down. After weeks of our breastfeeding relationship being tense, just 48 odd hours ago we had nicest breastfeed in weeks. Finally we were able to look into each others eyes while he was feeding and both of us be enjoying that again. Although he is still fiddling and somewhat tweaking with my other boob, he appears to be settling down with that so overall I am more calm and happy about his feeding again. I am thankful that we have what appears to be a turn in events, because I was wondering if he was starting to wean! I didn't want our breastfeeding relationship to end on a tense note. But in the last 48 hours he has been wanting boob a lot again and things are calm and I am happy. YAY!

Friday, November 5, 2010

Touched out maybe!

Many of you know of my re lactation journey with Cohen and also how emotionally driven the journey has been for me. It has been a journey where I feel I have been able to right wrongs and heal some of the grief with Elle and Meg further as well. It's therefore why, what I am about to speak of pains me somewhat. Of late when Cohen has been breastfeeding I have been finding myself getting very irritated. I don't like feeling this way over something that is meant to be so pure and natural. Cohen has this overwhelming habit of needing to fiddle with my other breast and especially nipple when he is feeding. However recently he is upping the anti in those stakes and often is hurting me. I can't explain how I feel when I am hurt, my blood just boils before I feel I have a chance to control my emotions. I imagine it's somewhat like when I man gets hit in the nads (sorry to be crass) and they just see red and ark up. Having said that, it does not mean I am acting violently back at him. What it means is that my blood just keeps on boiling, I get stressed by his continued efforts until I finally tell him that's enough.

I know some of those reading this are long term breast feeders and I know others reading this aren't or have not breastfeed. I know some people might try and suggest words of encouragement to wean him off the breast saying I have done a great job until now. Then I know there will be others who will be opening up to me with all sorts of words of encouragement and advice on managing these emotions and issues with Cohen.

Ideally I don't wish to wean Cohen until he is ready to do so. I don't wish to make that decision for him again. As it was he was the one who initiated interest in the boob again after being on the bottle for 3 months from 6 - 9 months of age. Clearly instinct was trying tell both him and me something. I don't wish to put him through that process again before he is ready. I do believe that it is not only my healing that is taking place when he breastfeeds but he has his healing that is taking place too. That is therefore why I am torn with emotion about these feelings I am having towards his breastfeeding at the moment.

I realise my body is working hard to support a new and growing life inside of me, as well as support the needs of one who relies on me in this earthly world. Whether those needs for Cohen are for his health or his mental and emotional development, they are needs nonetheless. Then at the end of all that there is my body working hard to support the very life that supports all these lives......MINE. I don't know if I am touched out at the moment, from the constant demands of being physically touched and needed all the time. But I don't see weaning from the breast as an option as it will only give me another set of problems, in Cohen's adjustment of not receiving the boob his only source of comfort as he has never taken to any comfort toy, blanket, dummy etc.......it's just ME with my boobies and possibly what nature intended it to be from the dawn of time (I don't know, just a thought).

There is no real purpose in this post other then to get my feelings out into a space that is mine. I just have to work on these emotions and just hope that it's just one of those things that breastfeeding pregnant mummas feel from time to time. I hope I haven't come off being a mean mumma with these emotions, I know what he is doing is natural and him just being him. My resolve will not wavier to feed him until he wants to wean......but I guess we are just on the crest of a big speed bump at the moment and hopefully will come down the other side smoothly again soon.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Family Day Care - Cohen's first day!

Well Cohen had his first ever day being cared for by someone other then a good friend or family member. He had his first day in Family Day Care, which he will be attending once a week from now on. When I dropped him off this morning he was ever so cute, helping me carry all his bits and pieces. Well in fact he dragged the nappy bucket all the way up the drive way, through the gate until he saw his day care mum and then when he saw the balls and sandpit were out he abandoned his duties so to speak helping mummy out. I am very happy that I have found a day care mum who is open and willing to work with me on the cloth nappying front. In fact she seems rather impressed with the idea of MCN that she has asked me to put together some info for her DIL, which I of course have been happy to oblige her with.

Anyways back to Cohen's first day at family day care, after getting all the paperwork and necessary bits and pieces taken care of it was time to say good bye. By this time Cohen had found that there was climbing equipment similar to what we have at home in the yard. Since he hadn't have any boobie all morning I thought before I left I best offer it to him, but no he was not interested just way to many things to do and look at. I asked for a kiss which he wouldn't oblige me with so I just grabbed him and planted a big sloppy one on him, I said goodbye and he didn't bat an eye or perhaps maybe he didn't even notice.

When I got home I did find it all too weird the lack of noise but I pottered around doing the general household odds and ends. I broke up my day with the odd half hour ti sit and have a bite to eat in front of the telly. But other then that I have been working on trying to sort out my creative space better. The task of getting the creative space more organised had another job thrown into it today, when there was a knock at the door from Australia Post. Thanks to a darling I know who sent me a rather heavy package, I took possession of a massive stow of buttons. It has literally taken me the better part of the remainder of the day when I have had time to sit down and sort them out into similar colour groups etc. Although not much other organisation got done today the buttons are a job I would of had to get around to doing some time sooner rather then later. Anyways I am rather excited about the haul of buttons I have got, I have some plans brewing in mind for projects at My Vintage Vow.

So come this afternoon when it came time to pick up Cohen, DH come home early so we both headed off to collect him. When we got there he was just quietly bouncing and rocking back and forth on this inflatable jumping thing. He was clearly happy to see us saying Mummy and Daddy and then proceeded to point out various things he can say words for ie. ball, car etc. By all accounts it appears as though he has had a very good first day taking part in lots of activities, slept well and ate well. In fact ate so well that he had nothing left, hence why the day care mum had asked I pack the eating machine even more food next week......oh my goodness where does it go with that kid.

Anyways my little munchkin has clearly had a full day, he snuggled into me earlier then normal on the lounge for some boobie and off to sleep 45 odd minutes earlier then his normal bed time tonight.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Happenings and going on's

What to do with oneself? I might be asking myself that question, come Wednesday but I think I should be right! It's official Cohen will be starting his first day in Family Day Care later this week. I have been trying to get all his bits and pieces organised and named and labelled over the last few days. After my initial reservations about putting Cohen into care, my emotions have settled down about it all and I am looking forward to it. I am especially looking forward to seeing how much further his language skills come along once he starts. Just in the last week or so he has come out with some more new words which really surprise me for an 18 month old......shovel (said shubble), cracker, Corky, plane and would you believe he blew us away with HELICOPTER yesterday sitting in his wadding pool outside while DH and I watched on and one flew over head. He is just so cute and is really trying to strike up conversations of mumbo jumbo with the odd noticeable word in there......I just love it, I just love being a mum to him!

I actually don't have any appointments this week (at least whilst Cohen will be in care) so whilst he is having his first day in care I will a free agent so to speak. Current plans are to make an uninterrupted phone call to a friend, craft and create and potter around and a coffee with a new friend might be on the agenda too. I find it hard to sit around and actually do nothing anymore, since having Cohen so I doubt I will be spending much time just lounging about on the lounge staring at the walls......I hope I get lots of things that warm my soul done.

So I should also report that I have just had a fabulous weekend just gone. On Friday I finally got to meet with in person a lovely mumma who has been a wonderful on line friend and support system to me for a while now. Of course "C" I'm talking about you! It was so nice to catch up with you Friday and Saturday and meet the kids. Also meeting "J" was a laugh crazy roller derby girl......just tell her no more talk around me of things that ick me and I will promise not to say words like extraction ha ha ha ha ha ha! So anyways people after catching up with "C" I am so super keen for some baby wearing action. I am all inspired after a demo of different carriers and slings thanks to "C" and "M" for putting up with mummy's requests. Honestly if some of these makers of slings and carriers made them in adult sizes I think I would have DH carrying me around everywhere, it just looks so comfy. So I am really going to try and stick with it and get into it early when bubs arrives and persevere. By the way "C" expect and email from me soon I have some questions!

The remainder of my weekend included some phone calls with some dear, dear people to my heart. Oh and I heard the words from a certain miss that their DH wants to send them down for some time with me......YAY, that would just be awesome "W". DH and I dropped in on friends, caught up with friends, I had some down time to spend more time with "C", I got time to craft and create over the weekend, we got to dine outdoors in marvelous weather, watch our nudey boy run around and enjoy being a kid and overall just have time to take a breath and relish what we have in our life and be thankful that despite everything else I sometimes talk about here - LIFE IS PRETTY DAMN GOOD!
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