Many of you know of my re lactation journey with Cohen and also how emotionally driven the journey has been for me. It has been a journey where I feel I have been able to right wrongs and heal some of the grief with Elle and Meg further as well. It's therefore why, what I am about to speak of pains me somewhat. Of late when Cohen has been breastfeeding I have been finding myself getting very irritated. I don't like feeling this way over something that is meant to be so pure and natural. Cohen has this overwhelming habit of needing to fiddle with my other breast and especially nipple when he is feeding. However recently he is upping the anti in those stakes and often is hurting me. I can't explain how I feel when I am hurt, my blood just boils before I feel I have a chance to control my emotions. I imagine it's somewhat like when I man gets hit in the nads (sorry to be crass) and they just see red and ark up. Having said that, it does not mean I am acting violently back at him. What it means is that my blood just keeps on boiling, I get stressed by his continued efforts until I finally tell him that's enough.
I know some of those reading this are long term breast feeders and I know others reading this aren't or have not breastfeed. I know some people might try and suggest words of encouragement to wean him off the breast saying I have done a great job until now. Then I know there will be others who will be opening up to me with all sorts of words of encouragement and advice on managing these emotions and issues with Cohen.
Ideally I don't wish to wean Cohen until he is ready to do so. I don't wish to make that decision for him again. As it was he was the one who initiated interest in the boob again after being on the bottle for 3 months from 6 - 9 months of age. Clearly instinct was trying tell both him and me something. I don't wish to put him through that process again before he is ready. I do believe that it is not only my healing that is taking place when he breastfeeds but he has his healing that is taking place too. That is therefore why I am torn with emotion about these feelings I am having towards his breastfeeding at the moment.
I realise my body is working hard to support a new and growing life inside of me, as well as support the needs of one who relies on me in this earthly world. Whether those needs for Cohen are for his health or his mental and emotional development, they are needs nonetheless. Then at the end of all that there is my body working hard to support the very life that supports all these lives......MINE. I don't know if I am touched out at the moment, from the constant demands of being physically touched and needed all the time. But I don't see weaning from the breast as an option as it will only give me another set of problems, in Cohen's adjustment of not receiving the boob his only source of comfort as he has never taken to any comfort toy, blanket, dummy etc.......it's just ME with my boobies and possibly what nature intended it to be from the dawn of time (I don't know, just a thought).
There is no real purpose in this post other then to get my feelings out into a space that is mine. I just have to work on these emotions and just hope that it's just one of those things that breastfeeding pregnant mummas feel from time to time. I hope I haven't come off being a mean mumma with these emotions, I know what he is doing is natural and him just being him. My resolve will not wavier to feed him until he wants to wean......but I guess we are just on the crest of a big speed bump at the moment and hopefully will come down the other side smoothly again soon.