Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Here we are that time of the year....

That time of the year is here, 3 years since Elle and Meg went onto their celestial journey. I have just spent a few minutes just moments ago reading through some of my first posts about all the grief and trauma of losing the girls. I also read my post from last years anniversary and the post a few days prior to that. This time last year I was also reeling and recovering from another miscarriage just days prior to Elle and Meg's second angel day. Wow, how much has happened in the last 3 years, so much that it's hard for some who love me to understand. But hey I'm here, I am standing and I am stronger today and each day I walk through my journey of a mother to my earthbound children and angel babies.

The day is still young today but I am doing well, which is more then I can say for the last two years. It would seem as though I have been granted a day of peace rather then chaos in my life this angel day, which I am thankful for. Cohen is FDC today and after dropping him off a decided to treat myself to some comfort food for breakfast.....chai soy latte and a ham and cheese croissant. I have had a visit from gorgeous friend and her two littlies. She has even left me lunch and a snack, so I feel rather spoilt that I don't have to think about anything today. I don't even need to think about dinner tonight either, because I have another dear and sweet friend of mine coming for dinner tonight. This dear friend of mine is cooking DH and I dinner and is staying for a few hours so we can catch up. I always look forward to him visiting because we laugh like school kids when we are together. We have been friends for well over 25 years and we have some funny, funny memories.

I am sure I will have a few tears at some point today (I did last night) but like the tears last night they are different sorts of tears now, 3 years on. I think the sorrow in the tears are mixed with the bitter sweetness of the blessings we have in our earthbound children Cohen and Sarah. I truly believe in my heart that Cohen is guiding at times by his angels sisters energies. He seems to have an understanding or knowing of things that one would not expect. Just the other day I saw him staring at a pastel drawing I have framed that I did of a hibiscus flower that I hung in honour of the girls. I have never spoken to him about the picture nor seen him take interest in it. But this day he stood on his chair and said flower mummy. I said it is darling, do you know what the flower is, do you know what it's for? He stood there nodded his head, pouted out his bottom lip dropped the tone in his voice and said "sad". I was blown away! Again just last night I was in a rather quiet and sombre mood and when it came to bed time he came back out of his room and asked for me. He never asks for me at the bedtime routine only DH and wants him to go in and lay with him for a little while some nights. So of course last night I indulged his request and went in to him, he just wanted to snuggle and hold me tightly and tell me he loved me. How can a little guy like him just know how badly his mummy needed that.......perhaps his sisters were working their energies through him, maybe not but I find some comfort in thinking they might be at play with their brother. It was so nice to lay with him last night if I didn't have to feed Sarah I would have just stayed there with him all night and breath it all in and that moment.

Well........I have no idea how the rest of the day will go and how I will feel later, but what will come, will come and I will just feel rather then fight it. But I am looking forward to DH getting home and having a big bear hug and a moment with my man, my girls father and just be in that time and moment for a little bit.

Monday, May 16, 2011

You're Beautiful

Today I was watching my Sarah sitting in the bouncer looking at me. I know every mother thinks their baby is the most beautiful baby that ever there was. However it wasn't just the thought and feeling about her being such a little beauty that struck me. It was the fact that we created this beautiful little life in front of us, and not just her but Cohen too. They are beautiful children and they come from us, what a beautiful thing that is and what beautiful people we are ourselves. When I say beautiful I am most definitely talking about the way one looks. But please don't laugh, this isn't an, I'm so up myself post, it's something much more then that.

You see as I child growing up my mother always put herself down, and has always made comments of herself being ugly and has never bothered to look after herself a day in her life. My mother looks weathered and worn well beyond her years. I used to plead with my mum even as a very young kid not to say things like that about herself, because it upset me, I would try and tell her she was beautiful. But obviously at such a young age I didn't know how to verbalise why it upset me, but as I have grown into a women and mother I know why it bothered me so much.

It all comes down to the fact that you're same sex parent is the biggest role model you will ever have in your life. Therefore the messages you hear them tell themselves are the messages you take on. I struggled for many years through my teens and into my early twenties to think I was beautiful or had any style or class. I have known for many years now that is not true and I have been able to look at myself accept the good and the bad and just get on with it, but above all else I've been able to look in the mirror and say "you're looking good"! In a world where so many worry about aging, I often look at myself in the mirror and think that my looks have gotten better with age and time. As for my body shape, it's always been slim, sure it's not as slim as I once was but I am still very slim. I have some stretch marks plus the ones that I noticed creeping up on my boobs and I have thousands of grey hairs. But what do you expect when your body grows and births such beautiful lives and then allows you to nourish those lives with your body. You know what nothing really looks like it once did, but it's still bloody beautiful.

Along with many other important messages I hope to pass on to my children, I hope they will see a mother who is positive and realistic about how she looks. Someone who makes the most of what she has and gets on with it and appreciates the vessel she has been given to live this life in regardless of what that package looks like. I know one thing for sure I never want to have my baby girl hear me say something negative about my body. I don't want her to internalise that conversation, and know she came from my body and I am now complaining about it. Our children see themselves in us, so I'm going to make sure my kids catch me talking to myself in the mirror about how damn great I am.......so they have the confidence to start a positive internal dialogue with themselves.

I know there will be battles as they get older and are bombarded by media and advertising sending them different messages, but hopefully if I start now while they are young they will know better.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Mothers Day

Last weekend was Mothers Day and I had a glorious day, it was a busy but relaxing day hence why I didn't stop to do a post on the weekend because I was busy enjoying mu day, my hubby and my kids. The rest of the week since Mothers Day has been busy with appointments, sick kids, dramas with kids, arranging the kids Christenings and running around.

Anyways back to last Sunday and Mothers Day, I got to have a nice little snuggly lay in with Miss Sarah. When I got up and come out to the living room with little miss, my darling boy came bounding over to me with a gift bag of goodies saying "Happy Birthday Mummy". The concept of trying to say Happy Mothers Day after the last 3 weekends of celebrating birthdays was a little too hard. So instead I got "birthday today mumm yay" and my little man clapping. I got a lovely card that DH bought but also one that Cohen had made at day care. I was also spoilt with chocolate moulds, cookie cutters and some mini cookie cutters. I have recently been delving into the world of doing Bento Lunches (when I get the time) for Cohen so the gift of the cutters will allow me to play around a bit and create different themes etc.

DH prepared me breakfast which was toast and dandelion tea whilst I breastfeed Sarah and then of course Cohen has to have his turn "my turn now" lol! After breakfasts and breastfeeds we got ourselves ready (we had done some prep the night before) and headed off to the Mount Tambourine markets. We had a lovely morning looking around, it was really busy and there were several new stalls that we haven't seen up there before. I was also very thankful and excited to be able to stop by Juky and Beatrix which I blogged about well over a year ago. Mae the business the owner does handmade stationery and some awesome up cycling of old and vintage books. I had a chat with her about our previous interactions and also told her what I am hoping to do with the re-launch of My Vintage Vow. So hopefully very soon once we are up and running again I will be featuring Mae and Juky and Beatrix for one of my reviews on My Vintage Vow.

Once we had worked up an appetite from walking around the markets we hopped into the car and drove to Canungra to enjoy a picnic lunch on a grassy spot on the side of the road and also to indulge my op shopping desires. I was able to pick up a lovely vintage beading clutch handbag, a big red bag which I am now using as a nappy bag for the moment, a retro style bangle and some plastic coloured knitting needles all for $8. After I was opped out we headed home and just enjoyed a lazy afternoon playing in the yard with the kids in the sun on a blanket. There isn't much more I can tell you about my Mothers Day other then it was pretty damn blissful.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

They're growing up

*Sigh*......my kiddlywinks are growing up. There is so much joy in watching your little ones grow but at the same time there is sadness that they will only be such little innocent youngsters for so long.

For many weeks now we have been having an issue with Cohen getting up during the night up to 3 - 4 for times during the night, trying all sorts of different tricks. Yesterday in morning in the wee hours around 2am I heard him stirring so I gave DH a nudge. DH quickly jumped up to try and intercept him to get him back to bed. However Cohen surprised DH by telling him that he needed to go to the toilet. You see Cohen has been toilet training but we haven't even mentioned or contemplated night training with him yet. He has only in the last 2 weeks started to tell us when we are out and about that he needs to go to the toilet and will try to hold on for us to get him there in time. So the night before last, DH quickly got Cohen's nappy off and put him on the toilet and what do you now......success. We are both amazed because this is all of Cohen's doing not ours. DH had a little bit of a struggle for about half an hour getting Cohen back to bed, but some cuddles and daddy time worked it all out. We are just amazed and very proud of our little guy and especially since he only turned 2 just two weeks ago.

My sweet little miss, Sarah is surprising us and delighting us. Yesterday she turned 11 weeks old. For many weeks now she has been smiling and responding to different people. Her smiles and gurgles are getting bigger and brighter every day. She has really started to settle down and her little personality is starting to emerge. The same night Cohen surprised us, she surprised us as well and for the first time she slept through. She had her last feed about 7.30pm - 8pm and woke up at 4am.

In other news in just two short weeks our darlings will be getting Christened. I am yet to work out what Cohen will be wearing but as for Sarah she is sorted. Sarah will be wearing a gorgeous little dress that a dear mumma I know crocheted for her. It should be a lovely day spent with some very dear and close friends, I am very much looking forward to it all.
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