That time of the year is here, 3 years since Elle and Meg went onto their celestial journey. I have just spent a few minutes just moments ago reading through some of my first posts about all the grief and trauma of losing the girls. I also read my post from last years anniversary and the post a few days prior to that. This time last year I was also reeling and recovering from another miscarriage just days prior to Elle and Meg's second angel day. Wow, how much has happened in the last 3 years, so much that it's hard for some who love me to understand. But hey I'm here, I am standing and I am stronger today and each day I walk through my journey of a mother to my earthbound children and angel babies.
The day is still young today but I am doing well, which is more then I can say for the last two years. It would seem as though I have been granted a day of peace rather then chaos in my life this angel day, which I am thankful for. Cohen is FDC today and after dropping him off a decided to treat myself to some comfort food for breakfast.....chai soy latte and a ham and cheese croissant. I have had a visit from gorgeous friend and her two littlies. She has even left me lunch and a snack, so I feel rather spoilt that I don't have to think about anything today. I don't even need to think about dinner tonight either, because I have another dear and sweet friend of mine coming for dinner tonight. This dear friend of mine is cooking DH and I dinner and is staying for a few hours so we can catch up. I always look forward to him visiting because we laugh like school kids when we are together. We have been friends for well over 25 years and we have some funny, funny memories.
I am sure I will have a few tears at some point today (I did last night) but like the tears last night they are different sorts of tears now, 3 years on. I think the sorrow in the tears are mixed with the bitter sweetness of the blessings we have in our earthbound children Cohen and Sarah. I truly believe in my heart that Cohen is guiding at times by his angels sisters energies. He seems to have an understanding or knowing of things that one would not expect. Just the other day I saw him staring at a pastel drawing I have framed that I did of a hibiscus flower that I hung in honour of the girls. I have never spoken to him about the picture nor seen him take interest in it. But this day he stood on his chair and said flower mummy. I said it is darling, do you know what the flower is, do you know what it's for? He stood there nodded his head, pouted out his bottom lip dropped the tone in his voice and said "sad". I was blown away! Again just last night I was in a rather quiet and sombre mood and when it came to bed time he came back out of his room and asked for me. He never asks for me at the bedtime routine only DH and wants him to go in and lay with him for a little while some nights. So of course last night I indulged his request and went in to him, he just wanted to snuggle and hold me tightly and tell me he loved me. How can a little guy like him just know how badly his mummy needed that.......perhaps his sisters were working their energies through him, maybe not but I find some comfort in thinking they might be at play with their brother. It was so nice to lay with him last night if I didn't have to feed Sarah I would have just stayed there with him all night and breath it all in and that moment.
Well........I have no idea how the rest of the day will go and how I will feel later, but what will come, will come and I will just feel rather then fight it. But I am looking forward to DH getting home and having a big bear hug and a moment with my man, my girls father and just be in that time and moment for a little bit.