Today I was watching my Sarah sitting in the bouncer looking at me. I know every mother thinks their baby is the most beautiful baby that ever there was. However it wasn't just the thought and feeling about her being such a little beauty that struck me. It was the fact that we created this beautiful little life in front of us, and not just her but Cohen too. They are beautiful children and they come from us, what a beautiful thing that is and what beautiful people we are ourselves. When I say beautiful I am most definitely talking about the way one looks. But please don't laugh, this isn't an, I'm so up myself post, it's something much more then that.
You see as I child growing up my mother always put herself down, and has always made comments of herself being ugly and has never bothered to look after herself a day in her life. My mother looks weathered and worn well beyond her years. I used to plead with my mum even as a very young kid not to say things like that about herself, because it upset me, I would try and tell her she was beautiful. But obviously at such a young age I didn't know how to verbalise why it upset me, but as I have grown into a women and mother I know why it bothered me so much.
It all comes down to the fact that you're same sex parent is the biggest role model you will ever have in your life. Therefore the messages you hear them tell themselves are the messages you take on. I struggled for many years through my teens and into my early twenties to think I was beautiful or had any style or class. I have known for many years now that is not true and I have been able to look at myself accept the good and the bad and just get on with it, but above all else I've been able to look in the mirror and say "you're looking good"! In a world where so many worry about aging, I often look at myself in the mirror and think that my looks have gotten better with age and time. As for my body shape, it's always been slim, sure it's not as slim as I once was but I am still very slim. I have some stretch marks plus the ones that I noticed creeping up on my boobs and I have thousands of grey hairs. But what do you expect when your body grows and births such beautiful lives and then allows you to nourish those lives with your body. You know what nothing really looks like it once did, but it's still bloody beautiful.
Along with many other important messages I hope to pass on to my children, I hope they will see a mother who is positive and realistic about how she looks. Someone who makes the most of what she has and gets on with it and appreciates the vessel she has been given to live this life in regardless of what that package looks like. I know one thing for sure I never want to have my baby girl hear me say something negative about my body. I don't want her to internalise that conversation, and know she came from my body and I am now complaining about it. Our children see themselves in us, so I'm going to make sure my kids catch me talking to myself in the mirror about how damn great I am.......so they have the confidence to start a positive internal dialogue with themselves.
I know there will be battles as they get older and are bombarded by media and advertising sending them different messages, but hopefully if I start now while they are young they will know better.