Tuesday, June 28, 2011

My spare time

I have been on a bit of a blogging rampage the last few days, it's good. There has been so much I have been meaning and wanting to do and share with you. Obviously my motherly duties have had me more then somewhat busy lately, in fact I am still seriously under the pump these days but sooner or later you gotta suck things up and get on with doing things. I have talked so much on and off this year about all the things I am wanting to do and work on. As determined as I am to be a good mumma, I am as determined to be a good me. My blogging is something that means a great deal to me and I have been trying to concentrate a lot of my spare minutes here and there to working on things. As some or many of you may know I do have another blog it's my business blog/blogshop My Vintage Vow. Nearly all my spare blogging moments have been spent over there behind the scenes getting things sorted out to relaunch my business. Along with that I have been busy setting up an Etsy and Madeit stores and making products and sourcing vintage finds, networking with interesting people etc. So I haven't been meaning to neglect Journey to Bliss it's just that I have been needing to put my very limited time in over there.

With being under the pump so much with the kids in recent times my business is the one thing that has given me a sanity break here and there. Some days I might not get out of pyjamas or get to brush my teeth and have someone in my arms nearly all day. But at least my business and my ideas etc are things I can constantly work on in my mind. Believe me in the push to get things relaunch soon, many things have been done on line with one hand whilst breastfeeding Sarah. I have been working with the most awesome WAHM who has helped with a new design and so much more, she has nearly been like a mentor in many ways a great sounding board. I am thankful for all of her help (I will be featuring her some time soon over at My Vintage Vow) and her patience. She has given me so many ideas and encouragement to do so much more with the business then I had originally thought to do. I am so excited about things taking off again, even though I feel as though I am going to have to start all over again in winning over my small but established audience of followers after being out of action for so long with pregnancy and babies......but you know what I'm just going to keep at it until I get there.

So there may not be much else happening in my world at the moment other then what I have mentioned, but it's a pretty full life at the moment. So fingers crossed Cohen will be at FDC later this week and that should give me enough uninterrupted time from his antics (as much as I love them) to get the last few things I need done to relaunch the business again over the weekend. Finally and hopefully my business is back in action next week, I should also have more mental capacity to be popping in here to start on the changes I want to make here. I have so many plans for Journey to Bliss as well and really want to start reaching out to a wider audience to help with miscarriage support, breastfeeding/re lactation support, rambles of parenting and life and so much more...........as Journey to Bliss's tag line says "I am on a journey to bliss come join me".

Do you see a dinosaur?

I am in awe every day watching Cohen's mind and imagination develop. We spend a lot of time these days building blocks and the one thing he likes to build over and over again is a dinosaur. When he is finished building his dinosaur it is often thrusted into my hand which means I am then to put on a pretend voice and be the dinosaur. Cohen looks into his face (flat read bit at top in pic) and says "what you doin?". Just the other day Cohen was dancing around the lounge room to something on ABC2 and called out to the dinosaur he made that day "come on dinosaur, come on". I just find it so cute how in a child's eyes everything has life and energy to it, the possibility of being or doing anything their mind musters up. Whereas we as adults often just see a pile of blocks........oh to be a child again and to see everything and everyone in such a joyous way.

Pic is of Cohen's creation yesterday.....it really does look like a dinosaur huh? Oh and before you ask he is wearing undies in the pic LOL.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Weaning on the mind!

No of course I am not thinking of weaning Sarah, but I have been toying with the idea of weaning Cohen. Many of you who have followed my blog for a long time now will know all about my weaning of Cohen at six months. I then went on to re lactate for him when he was nine months old after I suffered my second miscarriage. I resolved during the re lactation process that I would not make the decision next time round to wean him, that I would leave it up to him. Clearly he needed and wanted boobie again hence my efforts to re lactate, and it would only be right and fair to leave the decision to end the breast feeding journey in his hands.

Now having said all that I am finding it hard to keep my resolve to do this. To be be brutally honest I am struggling with the enthusiasm to keep going with Cohen and my journey. I have been tandem feeding for the last 4 and bit months now since Sarah's arrival. In that time there has only been a handful of occasions when I have had them both on the breast at the same time. I have found the logistics of feeding a baby and a wriggling toddler very difficult. That is therefore why I have feed them independently of one another. Since Sarah's arrival Cohen is more boob crazed, obviously he is seeing more of them and it puts it in his mind more to ask and want it. Cohen can get very insistent now about having boobie and can get rather upset if things don't go his way in that department.

I am feeling somewhat touched out having Cohen, Sarah and DH all wanting and needing me physically. I spend a MAJOR portion of my day in physical contact with Sarah, it's what she needs to feel settled a lot of them time and I'm not about to stop that and let her whinge or cry it out. I get very physically drained at the end of most days having to hold, carry, wear, put, rock, sway her. Then often in between and during those moments I have Cohen asking for boobie. Sometimes even when Sarah is full on in one of her moments Cohen can be crawling up on my lap demanding boobie. I understand it is likely a knee jerk reaction to not getting enough attention from with all my time with Sarah. Then on top of all this is a DH and him constantly talking about our sex life or giving me a grope hoping that will get me in the mood. I know it's hard (no pun intended) for DH especially since we don't have sex when I am pregnant. That is not necessarily all my doing, it has a lot to do with how he feels about things. After having so many pregnancies, so many losses and so many problems and bleeding with every pregnancy and told by docs each time no sex or very limited sex. We/he decided that the bigger picture at the end of the day is the one that matters......our babes arriving earth side happy and healthy. I have tried suggesting sex when pregnant but DH is adamant and doesn't want to risk things when I am pregnant.

So to get back on track with all my ramblings, I think all of this is contributing to me feeling touched out to a certain degree and physically tired and frustrated. I am also longing to have a period of time when I am just exclusively feeding Sarah. I know if I try and wean Cohen cold turkey all hell is going to break loose and to be honest I can barely stand the idea of that headache. I have kept Cohen on timed feeds since Sarah's arrival and I am trying to distract him at other times he is asking for boobie when I am having a bad day. I just don't know what else to do, on one hand I am so desperate to reclaim some me and some physical space on this matter but at the same time I am totally torn up emotionally about this whole weaning process with Cohen and what I am doing to him. I am really lost on this matter and feel that I am damn if I and damn if I don't. I just don't think there is any easy answer, but I just wish I wasn't feeling like this because I know when he does wean whether of his accord or mine I will grieve that it is all over *sigh*. I just know one thing is certain that if DH and I continue on with our plans at the end of next year to try for baby number three, I don't want to be feeding 2 and be pregnant. I will be happy to keep feeding Sarah but I just don't think I have it in me for feeding 2 and being pregnant this body has been through so much in 3 or so years.

I guess there is just no easy out to all of this, but if you have words of encouragement, support or a suggestion I would be only too happy to hear others thoughts. Thank you from an emotionally torn up mumma on this issue.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Change is good

Sometimes changing the small things can give you a brighter outlook or perspective on the bigger things. Over the weekend we took down our hideously disgusting vertical blinds in our lounge room and replaced them with white eco blinds. I hate vertical blinds with the beaded string down the bottom that looks like you're living in an office. We have been living here coming up to four years and we have had little time and money to start to do improvements. We have a list as long as my arm of things we want to do and improve around the house and yard, so it was nice to finally bite the bullet and slowly get on the home improvement and decorating again. The lounge room and entrance to the house are looking so much nicer and brighter. I just like how such a small thing can have such and impact on my home as well as our attitudes. Over the weekend we also picked up some seat cushions for our dining chairs and we have also placed a lay by for blinds for the kids rooms. The kids are getting block out roller blinds and I will also be doing curtains as well.......so the search is on for curtains for the kids rooms (Sarah's room isn't a rush I have no idea when she will be moving out from us at this stage). Hmmm maybe an Ikea run is due very soon, for some nice fabric for curtains. Anyways once I get on top of the pig sty that is my house at the moment (it happens so quickly) I will post some pics of the little touches we are doing around the place.

Friday, June 24, 2011

A quickie

I'm sure DH would like to think that the above title for this post meant he was in luck tonight, but it is not. I am going to try and make this a very quick post tonight because I have been struggling with all that has been going on here to get some quality time to drop in and say hi. It's a shame because I have so much to do, say and share. Anyways I have dropped in tonight to say that it is possible that tonight we are on the cusp of a first in my house. Sarah is asleep in her cot for the first time before 10.30pm (or later) since......well I can't remember. I have been getting really fatigued recently with constantly being needed and pulled at every which way by Sarah, Cohen and DH. Just today I had a pity party cry I so desperately wanted Sarah to sleep (she isn't the greatest day sleeper) and I just wanted an hour to myself with Cohen at FDC to do something for me and no one else. But what do you know little Miss Sarah has gone and surprised me. After I put Sarah down and and went and checked on her to make sure she was really in dreamland. DH started make indications towards us getting it on. Ummm no I don't think so mister besides we had a "quickie" last night at 11pm after finally getting Sarah asleep and me surviving the day on about 3 hours the night before. So yeah no way mate tonight and this time whilst Sarah is asleep is my time, my time I tell ya. So with that being said I am going to bid you all a good night and if I am ever so fortunate to have tonight back up tomorrow I will try to pop back and share some ponderings of late.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

It's a revolving door

It's a revolving door of sickness here, in fact it's been that way since Easter when Cohen had his 2nd birthday. If it's not DH it's Cohen, if it's not Cohen it's Sarah or all of them all at the same time. How I have not come down gravely ill I don't know. Not that if I did it would change much, I would still be looking after everything and everyone and DH would still walk out the door to go to work. Anyways needless to say all this sickness flying around I am rather over it and in desperate need of some quality time out for myself. It's still probably going to be a few months yet before I can start to leave Sarah for a little while while I duck off to do something for an hour by MYSELF. I am happy to accept that, so this week with the news from DH telling me that he was coming down with the "bug" again, I decided I just have to do what I can for myself at home before this lot drive me off the deep end with being sick and whinny.

We are off to a friends wedding on the weekend and it has honestly taken me all week to get all my preparation done. I had my haircut this week by my dear friend who came to home with her 5 week old and we had a catch up and she chopped my locks and spruced my colour up. I also treated myself to an eyebrow wax this morning on the way to the docs to get Sarah her 4 month needle. I had hoped to get a lash tint done at the same time, but I ran out of time. Sarah is now asleep after coming home from having her needles, so I might get on to painting my nails. Maybe, just maybe if DH is home at a reasonable hour I/we might be able to run back up the road this afternoon and I can get that lash tint I want. Honestly if I can manage all this, it will have taken me a week to groom myself so to speak but I will feel a little more womanly.

All going well I am going to squeeze at least a neck and shoulder massage in over the long weekend. Fingers crossed for me huh and fingers crossed that this lots sick bugs will be held at bay and I get a reprieve this weekend from someone coming down with something AGAIN and whinging at me aggrrrrrr.
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