No of course I am not thinking of weaning Sarah, but I have been toying with the idea of weaning Cohen. Many of you who have followed my blog for a long time now will know all about my weaning of Cohen at six months. I then went on to re lactate for him when he was nine months old after I suffered my second miscarriage. I resolved during the re lactation process that I would not make the decision next time round to wean him, that I would leave it up to him. Clearly he needed and wanted boobie again hence my efforts to re lactate, and it would only be right and fair to leave the decision to end the breast feeding journey in his hands.
Now having said all that I am finding it hard to keep my resolve to do this. To be be brutally honest I am struggling with the enthusiasm to keep going with Cohen and my journey. I have been tandem feeding for the last 4 and bit months now since Sarah's arrival. In that time there has only been a handful of occasions when I have had them both on the breast at the same time. I have found the logistics of feeding a baby and a wriggling toddler very difficult. That is therefore why I have feed them independently of one another. Since Sarah's arrival Cohen is more boob crazed, obviously he is seeing more of them and it puts it in his mind more to ask and want it. Cohen can get very insistent now about having boobie and can get rather upset if things don't go his way in that department.
I am feeling somewhat touched out having Cohen, Sarah and DH all wanting and needing me physically. I spend a MAJOR portion of my day in physical contact with Sarah, it's what she needs to feel settled a lot of them time and I'm not about to stop that and let her whinge or cry it out. I get very physically drained at the end of most days having to hold, carry, wear, put, rock, sway her. Then often in between and during those moments I have Cohen asking for boobie. Sometimes even when Sarah is full on in one of her moments Cohen can be crawling up on my lap demanding boobie. I understand it is likely a knee jerk reaction to not getting enough attention from with all my time with Sarah. Then on top of all this is a DH and him constantly talking about our sex life or giving me a grope hoping that will get me in the mood. I know it's hard (no pun intended) for DH especially since we don't have sex when I am pregnant. That is not necessarily all my doing, it has a lot to do with how he feels about things. After having so many pregnancies, so many losses and so many problems and bleeding with every pregnancy and told by docs each time no sex or very limited sex. We/he decided that the bigger picture at the end of the day is the one that matters......our babes arriving earth side happy and healthy. I have tried suggesting sex when pregnant but DH is adamant and doesn't want to risk things when I am pregnant.
So to get back on track with all my ramblings, I think all of this is contributing to me feeling touched out to a certain degree and physically tired and frustrated. I am also longing to have a period of time when I am just exclusively feeding Sarah. I know if I try and wean Cohen cold turkey all hell is going to break loose and to be honest I can barely stand the idea of that headache. I have kept Cohen on timed feeds since Sarah's arrival and I am trying to distract him at other times he is asking for boobie when I am having a bad day. I just don't know what else to do, on one hand I am so desperate to reclaim some me and some physical space on this matter but at the same time I am totally torn up emotionally about this whole weaning process with Cohen and what I am doing to him. I am really lost on this matter and feel that I am damn if I and damn if I don't. I just don't think there is any easy answer, but I just wish I wasn't feeling like this because I know when he does wean whether of his accord or mine I will grieve that it is all over *sigh*. I just know one thing is certain that if DH and I continue on with our plans at the end of next year to try for baby number three, I don't want to be feeding 2 and be pregnant. I will be happy to keep feeding Sarah but I just don't think I have it in me for feeding 2 and being pregnant this body has been through so much in 3 or so years.
I guess there is just no easy out to all of this, but if you have words of encouragement, support or a suggestion I would be only too happy to hear others thoughts. Thank you from an emotionally torn up mumma on this issue.