Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I'm a different person now...

I've been working on this post for weeks now, starting, deleting, editing, starting from scratch and back again. I've struggled to put into context the words and feeling behind what I have wanted to say. But this morning I read my girlfriends rather personal post over at Things I Do and it just allowed my own words to free up to tell you my story of how I am doing with my journey through issues with anxiety due to my grief, PTSD and so forth.

I haven't posted about this journey in some time and how my grief work over Ella and Meg and subsequent loses has been going. Mainly because I have been under the care of a physcologist for eighteen months now. Somewhere along the line in my pregnancy with Sarah, my other anxiety issues relating to family stresses were put into a manageable context and place for me. I don't ever post much about my family (mum, dad, and younger brother) as there are a lot of complex issues and I also don't want family to read something and for me to feel I need to justify speaking about them in context to my please bare with me as when I am speaking about family I will only refer to things in a general context, rather than specifically to do with them.

So where was I? That's right I was saying that things have been put into a manageable context. What I mean but that is I have been able to identify through my therapy what triggers I have with the family and with planning ahead of time I can reduce my physical and emotional reactions. In relation to my PTSD relating to the losing Elle and Meg, well that is always an on going journey. I have periods of time when flashbacks become regular, but I have no control over when they come or how long they last. Flashbacks don't come all that often these days but do increase with lack of sleep and you all know sleep has been an interesting concept with Sarah still not sleep through. However since reducing expectations and having her cot side car to our bed, it has helped me be more rested and calm and therefore my PTSD symptoms have reduced significantly.

To be honest though, before putting Sarah's cot side car to our bed, I was in an emotionally bad place again and hanging on by a thread with sleep deprivation and flashbacks. So my doctor strongly suggested I take a small dose of anti-depressants. It was the first time since losing the girls that I just accepted that I really needed the extra help with AD's. But as it was with me being busy with my two I kept forgetting to take them. But after a month of regular session with my physiologist and establishing Sarah into side car co-sleeping things were on the improve and I just stopped taking them because I felt I had clarity again. I should note though I have been on AD's during another phase of my life many years ago now for an extended time. However I have found this around being more aware of triggers and how to manage things has been a lot more beneficial, at least for me anyway.

Overall in the last eighteen months I have changed and despite the diagnosis of PTSD and so forth I have actually become a lot more relaxed, stress free, calmer, happier and care free than I have been in a really long time. I don't sweat much of the small stuff any more, I have structures in place to deal with difficulties like my family, I have boundaries and I have the ability to say I need help if things a piling up on me. Although I can't change what is, and what has happened in the last few years especially with losing the girls. I have found that place along the way to be thankful for what I have received out the journey so far, which is this new me that I like a lot, it feels like I'm emerging into the me I've always wanted to be. Of course my issues are a work in progress, but at least I know have a support plan and system in place with my physiologist. Who knows how long I will continue to be in therapy, but I do know it will at least for now be another year or more with our plans to expand our family further next year. Sheer madness some of those close to me may say, that we are going to try and get on the baby wagon again some time next year..........but hey it's part of our Journey to Bliss through all these trials and tribulations in the last few years. So who know for now what may happen with my emotional journey from now, but at least for now I'm growing happier and happier again.

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