Thursday, April 5, 2012

An Elle, Meg and Me update....

There have been a lot of changes here recently with the blog and more to come in good time, and as I get time. But the main reason I ever started this blog in the first place was to help me with my grief process after losing Elle & Meg. For those who are new to my blog Elle and Meg are my identical twin girls, they were my first pregnancy which tragically and traumatically resulted in the horrific loss of my darlings half way through the pregnancy.

We are coming up to their four year memorial next month, and I still occasionally have someone stumble across an old blog post about these events and leave me a comment or send me an email. So I thought I'd put a few words down and give you a glimpse into my world on this matters since its been awhile between those sort of posts.

One thing that will never change regarding this situation is that it will always suck. Having said that I am in a place these days where I can see all the blessings and opportunities I have in my life despite the tragedy. I'm careful to say I would swap my blessings for my girls, because two of the greatest blessings I have are Cohen and Sarah. To allow myself to sit in that feeling too long means I have to imagine a world and life without them, and honestly that is not a pain I want to fathom or experience.

My PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and OCD issues, are managed and under control, I don't know there will ever be a day they will be gone, but they are there. I do have flare ups, and I have had challenges in recent months. Flare ups come with lack of sleep, so if I have a week where things are rough with Sarah and it's been non-stop, I'm generally in for some difficulties. Stress, particularly stresses that come with my family can trigger episodes too. I have to be careful to manage contact and conversations with certain members of my family, but that is a whole other story of it's own......it's a complicated one and one I have vowed for my own ongoing sanity not go into here. Sometimes I get caught with a trigger or an episode and get frozen with flashbacks. It's been several months since a bad one, but the last one had me in a zoned out state in the shower with Sarah. When I had come out of it, it kind of scared me that I had lost myself for that time whilst this happened. In actual fact I was only in this state for 5mins or so, but still.....kind of dangerous with Sarah in shower with me.

Now having said all of the above, I'm actually doing really well. In fact I think I'm doing the best I have in a long time. I know and I am fully prepared that there might be some though days ahead through to the end of May with the girls fourth memorial day coming up. But it's jut that I might have tough days I may not, I don't expect to and I don't expect not to have tough times......it is just what it is and I'll ride whatever waves come or not.

Overall I am looking at my life despite my stress disorders as being in one of the best phases of my life yet, I have so much that I'm doing. I'm am inspired and being inspired by so much. I'm blessed with the most gorgeous earthbound children in Cohen and Sarah and Ben as their father and my husband. I'm living my dreams and hearts desires with my writing and creative desires and plans.......I'm pretty darned fulfilled if the truth be told. There isn't a day that goes by I don't think of my Elle and Meg, but it's because of them I can see how rich my life is right now.

7 comments:

  1. Blessings and love to a beautiful strong women <3

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  2. Replies
    1. Thank lovely.
      It's a big part of my story here.
      The full story is in the depths of my posts around here.

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  3. One thing I know is that you've always providing me with so much as we go through our journey, thanks for sharing with us. Big love to you and yours in the upcoming weeks. If you need anything, just call. xox

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    Replies
    1. Oh sweetheart thank you.
      *warm hugs*
      You're such a beautiful soul. X

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  4. Thank you for your kind email Trudie. I am sorry for the loss of Meg and Elle. I will come back later for a read through your archives. Memorial days are hard, the anticiatpation is often worse than the day itself . The rawness of the heartache lessens but the emotions can still be intense. Xo
    Thinking of you . I love the last line about the richness of life now because of Meg and Elle.

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