Monday, April 16, 2012

Yesterday I cried.....

It's funny how just the other week I posted a Elle, Meg and Me update, about where I am in my healing and journey with my angel babes. I mentioned that between now and the end of May there might be moments with the girls fourth memorial coming up, where I might have some tough times.

Well something happened yesterday a trigger point was pushed and I had no warning, so yesterday I cried. You see I was awake at about 3am after putting Sarah back down in her cot after a feed where she had squirmed and squirmed so I hadn't been able to drift off to sleep again during the feed. Needing to tire myself again before trying to get more shut eye, I thought I would read on my iPad for 15mins or so and try make myself sleepy.

Sleepy I did not make myself, stressed, anxious and worried instead was the result. I had jumped on Facebook to see that our friends who have Little A, that I told you about here, who had surgery to remove half her brain, had been in an accident. You see Little A and family are still in Sydney under the care of the hospital, but were allowed to take her out on a day trip over the weekend. They were returning from what sounding like that most fabulous time they have had in ages (and without a doubt needed and deserved).


A "alleged" drunk driver who was swerving over the road hit them from behind resulting in Little A hitting her head and other passengers being injured. The driver who had collided with them apparently went on to have a collision with another car, and from reports totalled the other car. A day that had been loaded with much happiness, joy and smiles ended in a ambulance back to hospital, the same one they were trying to return to after their days leave with Little A.

So all I knew from this Facebook message was that they had an accident, that Little A had hit her head as a result and everyone would be kept posted. As you can imagine our friends Facebook wall went to meltdown with comments of concern.

Was Little A going to be ok? She and her family have been through so much and to have had major surgery where half her brain has been removed. Was this accident going to change everything? Was it going to change the positive results they had gotten since the surgery?

As a mum, a parent, a women a human being I started to worry. I'm a visual person by nature, it's a blessing and a curse. It's a curse since losing Elle and Meg because of my PTSD and flashbacks. I kept imagining and seeing in my mind our friend and her Little girl in that moment of impact and the instant horror and worry she would have for her daughter. A thousand things racing though her mind and then the question, how can we have been through all of this for this to now happen.......and to now have this worry?

It's hard to explain to others the intricacies of my PTSD and triggers (that are rooted in losing my girls and other life experiences and situations), but the best I can explain is that this news triggered a physical trigger of worry that was a reminder of the sort of worry I had when I was in hospital whilst pregnant with the girls. That worry, that dark cloud of what was happening to me, what was happening to them, that mothers worry. To be told everything is ok, and then......

Sorry it's hard for me to finish sentences sometimes, when I'm struggling for the words and I'm only getting pictures. Pictures in the mind, pictures that worry, but pictures that remind.

So yesterday I cried, because yesterday it hurt bad. I cried later feeding Sarah again and talking to Ben. I cried because it was hard. Then a little hand from a little body nestled at my breast, placed her hand gently upon on my nose. Elle and Meg I know you sent your brother and sister to us, I know you guide their spirits, just as you try to protect mine.

I cried yesterday girls, because I missed you.


  1. Oh Trudie.........

    I am at a loss for words.

    All I can do is pray for you and your friends, for little A to be ok.

    Sending massive cyber hugs your way.

    Love Lisa.

    1. Lisa thank you, such kind words. Things are looking ok for a Little A, everyone else is bruised up though. Hoping things will continue onwards and upwards.

  2. Trudie, I am so sorry. My heart breaks for your friends. Thinking of you at this hard time.xx

  3. Trudie , it was such terrible news no wonder it hit you hard.
    You never know what will trigger a moment of intense grief.
    Thinking of you as you remember Meg and Elle.

  4. Thanks Trish.
    That's the thing with triggers you don't know when it will happen sometimes.


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